We made it. We lived through my Due Date and Mother's Day. There were sad moments. My sister in law graduated on Easton's Due Date. We were debating when we found out, if he would come early and be at her graduation or not. I'm willing to bet he was there. It was rough to go there, knowing my plans were to be holding him during the ceremony. Taking pictures of his Aunt holding him in her graduation gown. We gave her a gift, it was a silver Precious Moment's Boy Angel with a heart made of his birthstone. She wore it with pride. It amazes me how much my little guy is loved.
We took flowers to the cemetery, then planted a tree for him, on Mother's Day, in our yard. Mother's Day started out rocky, but got better. As my friends text their love and thoughts to me and Nate and my Mom bought me flowers and I got Mother's Day cards, it was like they got it. They understood that I'm a mom.
I had prayed and asked Easton to show us he was with us on the weekend. That I needed a sign to get through the weekend. It came on Sunday. My Mother/Father In Law were heading to the beach. They were on the highway and they passed a tour bus with a huge sign on the side Easton Tours. She said as they would speed up and get around it, it would catch up to them. She finally took a picture with her phone and sent it to us. Then they stopped for lunch in a town they have always stopped in, she never noticed the name before, but it was called Easton. I'd say my little guy did a good job!
I was upset that my little boy wouldn't be with me for my first Mother's Day, but he certainly was. Surrounding us with the love of our family and friends.
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Dreams
The last few days I've been waking up and had to double check my life. In my dream I had a baby and he was here with me. The first dream he was just a baby in his crib and I had to go check on him. I woke up and felt like I needed to go to his room. But, his room isn't even finished, there is no drywall, just studs, there is a pile of paneling on the floor. The room is empty, just like my arms. In many ways, I want to leave it that way. Last night I had a dream that Easton was a boy about 7 years old, playing in his room. He smiled at me and kept playing. Waking up like this has its good and very bad points. I am so happy that he is here, then when I realize that it was a dream, my heart breaks. I'm a mess all day. Today was my 2nd day back to work. This dream, didn't make my life easy today. On top of that, it's Gram's birthday. No one said this life would be easy. My Gram taught me so much about life and who I am today. I never knew she would continue to teach me. My Gram and Pap were married 25 short years whenever he passed away. This wasn't just any old marriage, these two are what people aspire to be, or at least they should
If you would ask my Gram about Pap, her eyes would light up, she would smile. And she would go on and on about him. She wouldn't get sad. I know she missed that man more than anything in this world. But, he made her smile. She still lived even after losing the love of her life. How does anyone do that. Well, now I'm figuring that out. Now, I'm here, trying to figure out how life continues without him here on Earth. It's inevitable, I know. You either keep moving or get trampled on. It's not like I can tell everyone to stop living because I'm sad. Even if I could, what good would that do? So, I'm trying to get to that point where, I smile. When I think of my baby boy, I smile.
God has blessed me with knowing my Gram. They don't make women like her anymore, and I am trying my best to live up to her. God has blessed me with an incredible husband, which, I talk about with a bright smile. Really, that only explanation for how we are together, is it's God's Plan. I have never known someone so amazing. My soul just feels right with him. That's how I know that God not only had a plan for us, but for Easton. Easton was made out of 100% Love. Something made of that much love is bound for great things. <3
Good Night My Angel..
If you would ask my Gram about Pap, her eyes would light up, she would smile. And she would go on and on about him. She wouldn't get sad. I know she missed that man more than anything in this world. But, he made her smile. She still lived even after losing the love of her life. How does anyone do that. Well, now I'm figuring that out. Now, I'm here, trying to figure out how life continues without him here on Earth. It's inevitable, I know. You either keep moving or get trampled on. It's not like I can tell everyone to stop living because I'm sad. Even if I could, what good would that do? So, I'm trying to get to that point where, I smile. When I think of my baby boy, I smile.
God has blessed me with knowing my Gram. They don't make women like her anymore, and I am trying my best to live up to her. God has blessed me with an incredible husband, which, I talk about with a bright smile. Really, that only explanation for how we are together, is it's God's Plan. I have never known someone so amazing. My soul just feels right with him. That's how I know that God not only had a plan for us, but for Easton. Easton was made out of 100% Love. Something made of that much love is bound for great things. <3
Good Night My Angel..
Due Date
The ever awaited, Due Date. I couldn't wait to get one. For more than 10 years I've wanted one. I wanted to share it with everyone. Some part of me thought, if they give me a Due Date, then that meant it was all going to be ok. If I have a Due Date, then no one can deny me dream of having a baby. And, I think part of me knew that it would never happen the way it happens for most women. At least the ones you hear about.
May 12th was to be the most glorious day of my life. Now, if i had a fast forward button, I'm pretty sure I'd use it. I know the day will come and go. I know the grief will be rough and raw once again. In a way, I welcome it. It means he meant something. In another way, I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. I want time to stop. Something has happened these past few days, as I let the anger and grief consume me. It feels like I'm closer to him then ever. I can feel him in my soul. How one little person can have this effect over so many people, clearly shows the love he has brought out in everyone. I know it sounds silly, but, I think even the dogs loved him. Or just the fact that I talked about his due date to them and told them that they were getting a new best friend. These are the things that make me his mom. No one understands, how I feel. How could they? They didn't have his best friends picked out already, didn't dream of his eyes or what his cry would sound like. How could anyone know that I sang to him in the car so he would get used to my voice. How would they know that when I held my belly, it wasn't so much that it hurt, it was because I felt like I was hugging him. When I'd rock while laying down, it was because I thought he might like it. Maybe somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.
Easton is all around me. I feel his presence everywhere. I talk to him, I pray to him. I say this alot I guess, but I see him in Nate's face so much. It makes my heart not feel so empty whenever I look at his pictures and look at Nate. This hole in my heart, feels like someone blew it open with a shotgun. It feels like only the parts that need to keep me functioning are there, the rest is gone. I'm hoping in time, my heart will grow, I'm hoping that this new world I live in will be kind to me. All I really want is to have peace. Wow, did I take that for granted before.
So, Baby E, your due date will be here before we know it. The day I was to bring you home. We are going to do our best to celebrate your life. To celebrate the meaning of you and all you have done for us. Mother's Day is the following day and some people may not see me as a mom. I guess the way I'm looking at it is, I had the hardest job a mom could ever do. I have to live every day, not being able to hold or kiss my son. I had to let him go, knowing I'd never get to see him again. We will celebrate the fact that the love between Me and You, a mother and her son, can never be replaced and will live on forever.
He's not just anyone, He's My Son...
May 12th was to be the most glorious day of my life. Now, if i had a fast forward button, I'm pretty sure I'd use it. I know the day will come and go. I know the grief will be rough and raw once again. In a way, I welcome it. It means he meant something. In another way, I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. I want time to stop. Something has happened these past few days, as I let the anger and grief consume me. It feels like I'm closer to him then ever. I can feel him in my soul. How one little person can have this effect over so many people, clearly shows the love he has brought out in everyone. I know it sounds silly, but, I think even the dogs loved him. Or just the fact that I talked about his due date to them and told them that they were getting a new best friend. These are the things that make me his mom. No one understands, how I feel. How could they? They didn't have his best friends picked out already, didn't dream of his eyes or what his cry would sound like. How could anyone know that I sang to him in the car so he would get used to my voice. How would they know that when I held my belly, it wasn't so much that it hurt, it was because I felt like I was hugging him. When I'd rock while laying down, it was because I thought he might like it. Maybe somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.
Easton is all around me. I feel his presence everywhere. I talk to him, I pray to him. I say this alot I guess, but I see him in Nate's face so much. It makes my heart not feel so empty whenever I look at his pictures and look at Nate. This hole in my heart, feels like someone blew it open with a shotgun. It feels like only the parts that need to keep me functioning are there, the rest is gone. I'm hoping in time, my heart will grow, I'm hoping that this new world I live in will be kind to me. All I really want is to have peace. Wow, did I take that for granted before.
So, Baby E, your due date will be here before we know it. The day I was to bring you home. We are going to do our best to celebrate your life. To celebrate the meaning of you and all you have done for us. Mother's Day is the following day and some people may not see me as a mom. I guess the way I'm looking at it is, I had the hardest job a mom could ever do. I have to live every day, not being able to hold or kiss my son. I had to let him go, knowing I'd never get to see him again. We will celebrate the fact that the love between Me and You, a mother and her son, can never be replaced and will live on forever.
He's not just anyone, He's My Son...
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Signs
I've heard from many angel mommies that they see "signs" and just know the sign is from Heaven. Up until this week, little things would happen that would make me wonder if my little guy was trying to tell his mom something. Today, I heard him loud and clear. I was thinking about him a ton, as I always do, and I went outside to try and start planting my rose bushes. I turned on my MP3 player and found the song, If I Die Young. In the song she says, "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors." At this point, a small plane was flying low over my house and I looked up to see it. When I did, I notice a rainbow in the clouds. I had to keep looking to make sure it was real. I looked down and up like 5 times. At that point, I just started crying. I knew my little guy was trying to tell me he was ok. I have been so worried about him lately, wondering if he is safe. Sounds silly, right? I am just so afraid of the unknown. Today gave me a little solace. Today gave me my "hug" of sorts. My son is a sweetheart, just like his father.
I'm looking forward to our future for the first time since this happened. The future haunted me before. Everything, even the sunshine, reminded me of things I would not get to do with my son. Now I know he will always be there with me. Now, we are learning how to live with an angel son. The women I have met along this journey are what have taught me to live with my son, not without him. I am awaiting a picture of my son's name written in the sand, on a beach in Australia at sunset. We cannot wait to hang it on our wall!
I can only hope for more signs and one day he will be showing his brother or sister the same signs.
I'm looking forward to our future for the first time since this happened. The future haunted me before. Everything, even the sunshine, reminded me of things I would not get to do with my son. Now I know he will always be there with me. Now, we are learning how to live with an angel son. The women I have met along this journey are what have taught me to live with my son, not without him. I am awaiting a picture of my son's name written in the sand, on a beach in Australia at sunset. We cannot wait to hang it on our wall!
I can only hope for more signs and one day he will be showing his brother or sister the same signs.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Living "Every Minute" with Hopes of "Getting There"
I sit here tonight trying to figure out who I am. I know that I'm still me but there is a new side to me. One that's a little tougher, has more faith and lives moment to moment. My life used to just fly by and I was always in a hurry to get to the next step. Now it seems things have slowed down. I have been living in the moment since Easton died. From the moment they confirmed he was gone, Nate whispered to me, Every Minute. He said Every Minute was one step closer to this nightmare being over. Every minute we were closer to meeting our son and closure after we buried him.
Every minute is what I have to remind myself in the bad moments. I allow myself those bad moments. I feel I'm entitled to them. Besides, who's going to judge me for having a bad moment, really! Every minute means so much more to me now. Every minute I get to spend with the love of my life is awesome and I don't take it for granted even for a second! Every minute is one minute closer to being with my son in Heaven. Every minute is joy and Every minute can be painful. It's in those minutes that I'm living now.
We'll get there is another thing that my husband tells me. Nate reminds me of this when other people are bringing home their babies from the hospital and I'm sad cause we never got to bring Easton home, he says, "We'll get there." We'll get there gives me hope, that someday, we will get to bring a baby home. We'll get there means that someday, we will have a baby to keep us up all night, one to take for holiday pictures, one to plan and have hopes and dreams for. We'll get there gets me through those rough moments in a Angel Mommy's life.
This is my life now, living in the moment with hopes of "getting there". I can say that I see the world differently. I have always been pretty compassionate, but now I see how I effect people. Now, I see when people need me. Now, I see their emotion. I don't think I've ever really slowed down enough to truly be a good listener. I've also realized that swallowing my pride is way more important than always being right. That a smile on my husbands face is so much more rewarding than being the person that got her way. Life is bittersweet, I learned that all too well on March 5th. I also learned that if you can handle the bitter, the sweet is so much more rewarding.
Not a day goes by where I don't thank the Lord for blessing us with you Easton. You are truly the best thing that ever happened to us. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you ever could imagine. Our cup overflows. xoxo
Every minute is what I have to remind myself in the bad moments. I allow myself those bad moments. I feel I'm entitled to them. Besides, who's going to judge me for having a bad moment, really! Every minute means so much more to me now. Every minute I get to spend with the love of my life is awesome and I don't take it for granted even for a second! Every minute is one minute closer to being with my son in Heaven. Every minute is joy and Every minute can be painful. It's in those minutes that I'm living now.
We'll get there is another thing that my husband tells me. Nate reminds me of this when other people are bringing home their babies from the hospital and I'm sad cause we never got to bring Easton home, he says, "We'll get there." We'll get there gives me hope, that someday, we will get to bring a baby home. We'll get there means that someday, we will have a baby to keep us up all night, one to take for holiday pictures, one to plan and have hopes and dreams for. We'll get there gets me through those rough moments in a Angel Mommy's life.
This is my life now, living in the moment with hopes of "getting there". I can say that I see the world differently. I have always been pretty compassionate, but now I see how I effect people. Now, I see when people need me. Now, I see their emotion. I don't think I've ever really slowed down enough to truly be a good listener. I've also realized that swallowing my pride is way more important than always being right. That a smile on my husbands face is so much more rewarding than being the person that got her way. Life is bittersweet, I learned that all too well on March 5th. I also learned that if you can handle the bitter, the sweet is so much more rewarding.
Not a day goes by where I don't thank the Lord for blessing us with you Easton. You are truly the best thing that ever happened to us. Mommy and Daddy love you more than you ever could imagine. Our cup overflows. xoxo
Monday, April 2, 2012
Dear Easton
Dear Easton,
I am missing you so much, I feel the need to write to you. Your dad is on evening turn this week and I am having a bit of a tough time. You Pap Pap went to visit you today. I hope you were there with him. He certainly misses you. I think he had big plans for you too. Secretly though, because he tries to act like he's not a "kid person". Truth be told, he was one of the most fun people when I was growing up. I always thought there was no one on earth better than your Pap Pap. Until I met your dad, then I knew there were two people in this world that I trusted completely. Your pap most certainly looked forward to taking you fishing and hunting. He's a little awkward when it comes to feelings but I'm sure you feel his love.
I'm being a little selfish this evening. I'm thinking about me. I'm thinking about what I wanted for us. I'm thinking about holding and rocking you and singing the songs my gram sang to me. But, I should be comforted in knowing that she is most likely up there singing them to you. And my Pap Shannon is going to be the one to take you fishing and hunting. You were my dream, little boy. I'm sorry I was so scared while I was pregnant. I was so afraid something was going to happen to you, that I didn't make the most of the time we had.
I pray that you are here with me. I pray that know how much I love you. I pray that you know that you are on my mind every second of the day. I think that is the worst part. I don't know if you are here, if you are ok. If you need me. I feel like I'm not doing my job as your mom, but I'm not sure what my job is now.
Please baby, be happy. Please know that you are loved beyond anything I've ever loved. It scares me how much I love you. Please know how much your family loves you. How much you were wanted and how we are looking forward to being with you someday.
I love you baby boy. Sweet dreams little man.
Love Always,
Mom
xoxo
I am missing you so much, I feel the need to write to you. Your dad is on evening turn this week and I am having a bit of a tough time. You Pap Pap went to visit you today. I hope you were there with him. He certainly misses you. I think he had big plans for you too. Secretly though, because he tries to act like he's not a "kid person". Truth be told, he was one of the most fun people when I was growing up. I always thought there was no one on earth better than your Pap Pap. Until I met your dad, then I knew there were two people in this world that I trusted completely. Your pap most certainly looked forward to taking you fishing and hunting. He's a little awkward when it comes to feelings but I'm sure you feel his love.
I'm being a little selfish this evening. I'm thinking about me. I'm thinking about what I wanted for us. I'm thinking about holding and rocking you and singing the songs my gram sang to me. But, I should be comforted in knowing that she is most likely up there singing them to you. And my Pap Shannon is going to be the one to take you fishing and hunting. You were my dream, little boy. I'm sorry I was so scared while I was pregnant. I was so afraid something was going to happen to you, that I didn't make the most of the time we had.
I pray that you are here with me. I pray that know how much I love you. I pray that you know that you are on my mind every second of the day. I think that is the worst part. I don't know if you are here, if you are ok. If you need me. I feel like I'm not doing my job as your mom, but I'm not sure what my job is now.
Please baby, be happy. Please know that you are loved beyond anything I've ever loved. It scares me how much I love you. Please know how much your family loves you. How much you were wanted and how we are looking forward to being with you someday.
I love you baby boy. Sweet dreams little man.
Love Always,
Mom
xoxo
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Coping
Maybe because I know what it's like to want a baby for so long and not have your prayers answered. Then when they are finally answered, the pain of miscarriage is hard. I believe it was hard because I never got to see my baby then. I had the excitement of being pregnant and just as soon as I found out, days later it was stripped from me. I had a hard time going in public. It wasn't that I thought people were looking at me (like I feel now), people didn't know the horrible thing that happened then. It was that I didn't want to see all those happy people that were pregnant and the ones that had infants in strollers. I went to the mall one day, when I thought I was ok and dealing with things better. It was a bad idea. It was like every stroller or pregnant person I saw was a knife to my heart. It hurt so bad to see people living my dream. We had unexplained infertility. Which I believe the stress factor of my relationship and my job had a lot to do with it. Ultimately, it drove me and my then husband, apart. I couldn't move past the pain and he was ready to give up on the dream.
My life now is better than I ever imagined. God blessed me with an incredible man. This is not how we imagined life would be. We didn't know we would have an angel for a son. If you would have told me that I would survive losing my baby, prior to everything that has happened, I would have told you that you were crazy. I can go in public right now. Do I see an infant and get a little sad.. yea sure, I'd be crazy not to. But, it's not my baby. It's not Easton. I feel sad that I can't hold my son the way the person is holding their baby. I get sad that I won't carry him around in a carseat or push him in the awesome jogging stroller we picked for him. But, it doesn't bother me like it did when I lost my first baby. Pregnant people don't bother me that much either. It bothers me when I think of our friends that were due at the same time we were. (We have 12 friends due within a month of us) I haven't been able to really see them. I feel like it would upset me because I would think about myself and how I'm supposed to still be pregnant. I'm not sure how I will do around their babies. I'm sure it won't be easy watching them grow, just because I'll always think of what my son would look like or be doing if he were here.
For the most part, I'm coping as well as can be expected. I have my bad days and I have my bad moments. When those moments creep up on me, I think of Easton. How beautiful he was. I think about how he used to kick like crazy after the slushies I craved. God, how I miss him. Seeing him and holding him, this little person we created, was the best moment of my life. The other thing helping me cope is my husband. For someone to care so much about me, makes me speechless. For someone that has such a problem communicating, he certainly has a way of making me talk about my feelings. He sits and listens as I ramble about my feelings. The first 2 weeks, I just said whatever feelings I was having. I found out he was feeling the same way. And now, a month later, he's still asking me how I feel. I truly believe that his support has made me see the good in this whole bad dream. I have never had anyone that supported me like he does. I'm truly blessed with this great man. And for that reason, I have tried to not let myself go to the dark place I was in whenever I had my miscarriage.
I miss my son. I miss carrying him. I miss feeling him. I find myself wishing for one more day. I pray the Good Lord will bless us with a child. One that we can share Easton with. My heart has this hole in it. I never knew anything could hurt this much. It's a constant void. I'm told that it will never go away, in a strange way, it's ok. Something inside me feels like if I still feel the pain, he's still with me. If I stop hurting, it would mean that I lost the connection to him. The hurt isn't always bad. I know it sounds depressing to think that my hurting is my connection with my son. Bittersweet is how I would describe it. The day he was born was bittersweet. And when I think of him (which is all the time) it's bittersweet. I remember how beautiful he was and it makes my heart overflow with joy, then I miss him and it hurts. Bittersweet.
I believe my husband and my son are helping me to see the best in things. Not just with what we have been through but with a new outlook on life. They are my family and I'm so proud of them.
I love you Easton and his Daddy, more than you will ever know!
Love,
Easton's Mommy
My life now is better than I ever imagined. God blessed me with an incredible man. This is not how we imagined life would be. We didn't know we would have an angel for a son. If you would have told me that I would survive losing my baby, prior to everything that has happened, I would have told you that you were crazy. I can go in public right now. Do I see an infant and get a little sad.. yea sure, I'd be crazy not to. But, it's not my baby. It's not Easton. I feel sad that I can't hold my son the way the person is holding their baby. I get sad that I won't carry him around in a carseat or push him in the awesome jogging stroller we picked for him. But, it doesn't bother me like it did when I lost my first baby. Pregnant people don't bother me that much either. It bothers me when I think of our friends that were due at the same time we were. (We have 12 friends due within a month of us) I haven't been able to really see them. I feel like it would upset me because I would think about myself and how I'm supposed to still be pregnant. I'm not sure how I will do around their babies. I'm sure it won't be easy watching them grow, just because I'll always think of what my son would look like or be doing if he were here.
For the most part, I'm coping as well as can be expected. I have my bad days and I have my bad moments. When those moments creep up on me, I think of Easton. How beautiful he was. I think about how he used to kick like crazy after the slushies I craved. God, how I miss him. Seeing him and holding him, this little person we created, was the best moment of my life. The other thing helping me cope is my husband. For someone to care so much about me, makes me speechless. For someone that has such a problem communicating, he certainly has a way of making me talk about my feelings. He sits and listens as I ramble about my feelings. The first 2 weeks, I just said whatever feelings I was having. I found out he was feeling the same way. And now, a month later, he's still asking me how I feel. I truly believe that his support has made me see the good in this whole bad dream. I have never had anyone that supported me like he does. I'm truly blessed with this great man. And for that reason, I have tried to not let myself go to the dark place I was in whenever I had my miscarriage.
I miss my son. I miss carrying him. I miss feeling him. I find myself wishing for one more day. I pray the Good Lord will bless us with a child. One that we can share Easton with. My heart has this hole in it. I never knew anything could hurt this much. It's a constant void. I'm told that it will never go away, in a strange way, it's ok. Something inside me feels like if I still feel the pain, he's still with me. If I stop hurting, it would mean that I lost the connection to him. The hurt isn't always bad. I know it sounds depressing to think that my hurting is my connection with my son. Bittersweet is how I would describe it. The day he was born was bittersweet. And when I think of him (which is all the time) it's bittersweet. I remember how beautiful he was and it makes my heart overflow with joy, then I miss him and it hurts. Bittersweet.
I believe my husband and my son are helping me to see the best in things. Not just with what we have been through but with a new outlook on life. They are my family and I'm so proud of them.
I love you Easton and his Daddy, more than you will ever know!
Love,
Easton's Mommy
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