In a haze

It seems every time my husband's work shift is 4pm - midnight, my mind gets the best of me.  Thank goodness its only once a month, I don't know if I could handle anymore than that.  I have my moments during any day that the heartache is still raw and painful.  But, knowing he is here to center me is sort of my lifeline. 

Today a new employee at my office and I were talking about weight loss, she mentioned it got harder after she got older and after she had her children.  I am a sharer, I usually don't hold anything back when talking about myself, but, today I did.  I was going to say that I can't seem to lose the last 15 lbs of baby weight, but then stopped.  I realized I would get the question, what did I have or worse a "congratulations", I wasn't ready to explain that my son did not make it.  The last time I had to say that to someone, I left work early and stayed in bed the rest of the day.  I almost felt guilty not sharing about my son.  I remember 2 weeks after the funeral, I went to get my hair done, to try and make me feel better, at least get rid of my roots that were showing.  I went to a new girl and she started asking me how long I was married and if we had any kids, I told her we did not and she kept asking if we planned on having them.  I felt so guilty for not saying I have a son, but it's just easier than re visiting the pain.  Nate got a tattoo with Easton's name on it last week, his father's day present, we went to dinner and the waitress asked who Easton was, we both froze, then finally I said he's our son.  I think the waitress caught the idea and didnt ask more.  But, I hate that it's so hard.  I love to talk about him.  I love to remember him, but sharing with others is so hard sometimes.  The pity looks from everyone that knew have subsided.  I think part of the reason I don't share is because I don't want to see that again.  The other reason is, I don't want to break down and cry in front of a stranger.  That is how I gauge what I tell people now; do I mind crying in front of this person? 

I titled this "In a haze" because I am.  We've decided to try for a baby again.  (I hate the word again or another.. working on figuring out a better term)  See when Nate is home, he grounds me, keeps me centered.  When he's not, my mind goes all haywire. I worry about what if i am pregnant??  Am I doing everything to ensure my baby will be ok?  What will I do?  When will all these doctor appointments start?  How will I focus on the positive?  How will our family react?  Will they worry constantly?  I know I worried when my best friend was pregnant with her rainbow baby.  Her rainbow baby was just fine.  But I know I jumped every time that damn phone rang.  Will I put our friends and family through that?  How do I assure them that they need not worry, when I am overly worried?

A few weeks after we lost Easton, I had lunch with a friend.  Her son died at 9 months of SIDS.  She said that she envisions me with a bunch of children around me and that she knows it will happen.  I keep trying to focus on that. She has 3 beautiful girls and they all know about their big brother.  I'm so excited to talk to Easton's little brother or sister about him.  I feel like he'll be with them forever.  I remember when Nate took me to his sister's grave for the first time.  We had been dating a few months and he said he would stop up there from time to time.  I was touched that he remembered her and knew her story and that she meant so much to him.  I pray that we can share Easton's memory and he will mean that much to his brother or sister.

I cannot wait to share the memory of my little man.. my angel.

Pins and Needles, not so much..

I haven't written in awhile, I have so many emotions and things in my head, it's hard to figure out how to convey them.  I started this blog, so that one day, Easton's brother or sister would be able to read this and get a better feeling for just how special he is.  That, they might be able to read and truly appreciate life a little more.

We have been talking about getting pregnant.  I think everyone is scared of how I will do with this.  I know that when my best friend got pregnant a year after losing her son, I was a mess.  I was scared and on pins and needles until I saw that beautiful little girl being weighed and screaming her little head off!  So, why now, do I feel ok?  Why do I feel like it will be ok?  My guess, well, I'd say its a mixture of things.  First and foremost, the good Lord will do as he sees best.  I cannot control what happens, I can only do my best to take care of my baby.  Just as I did with Easton.  Second, Easton deserves a brother or sister.  One he can watch over, someone that will get to know him and love him too.  Lastly, I want this so bad.  I want to be a mom of a baby here on earth.  I want to watch my baby grow, play, cry, sleep, all of that wonderful stuff. 

I will be sad I'm sure, the memories I have of my lil guy are of carrying him, feeling kicks, cravings, sonograms, watching him jump around on that screen is the best memory I have, aside from seeing his beautiful little face.  How could I not remember him.  I am learning that the sadness brings me closer to him.   I was so sad and missing him the other day.  I sent a text message to Nate telling him that.  He said that it was ok, because that shows how much love I have for him.  Well, yet again, Nate was right.  When I start to miss him, I am learning to embrace it.  To remember that the reason I'm missing him is because I love him more than life itself.  That kind of love is made only by God himself. 

The Houser family was blessed by this Angel that we named Easton.  The love of our lives.  I'm told that hole in my heart will never heal, but my heart will get bigger and allow more love to come in.  My friend told me this happened to her when she saw her baby girl cry.  I know that there is enough room in our hearts for another baby or maybe 2! And that Easton will always have his permanent spot in our hearts and in our minds. 

It's a Love without end, Amen.

3 months

3 months ago today, I still had dreams of bringing my baby home.  3 months ago, I was worrying about what to wear to my baby shower, worried that the room wouldn't be done in time.  3 months ago tomorrow, I had those dreams taken from me.  I've read other mom's blogs, 3 month angelversary is  something that, up until now, I didn't understand.  I read their blogs, I saw how upsetting it was.  All the while, thinking, I'm ok.  I mean 3 months is just a period of time, it has no major significance.  I survived Mother's Day, My Due Date, the funeral, how could 3 months be any worse?  Well, I think I figured it out.  Might have been this past weekend which was full of reminders of him.  Might have been the person that just came back to work and asked how my baby was doing (guess he didnt get that memo) or the baby that I saw wearing an outfit that was the same as someone bought for Easton, it could be everything together.  But, last night, I was sad, I had dreams of him all night.  Today, it was like someone hit me with a knock out punch.  I couldn't focus, everything was a blur and I just wanted to sit and cry and be anywhere but where I was.

Today, was when it sunk in.  I'm not bringing a baby home.  See you would think in 3 months time I would have figured this out.  Hell, you'd think I could have figured it out when I made that horrible trip home without him.  I'm no doctor, but, I'm guessing my hormones are back to normal now.  I'm also guessing I was still in shock, and why wouldn't I be?  I also guess that even if your mind knows something, the rest of your body (the part that changed cause you were pregnant), takes a little longer to figure it out.  3 months is not a-lot of time when it comes to losing your baby,  your dream, the love of your life.  So now, the hormones aren't raging, the shock is wearing off and here I am.  The dust is settling so to speak.  This is me and I have no baby.  This nightmare, really isn't a nightmare.  This is life as we know it.  This is where I have to rebuild from.

How do I get me back??  I'm the girl that let things slide.  I'm the girl that was easy going and said whatever, way too much.  I'm the girl that was happy with just about everything, I didn't like to draw attention to myself.  I kept things light and fun.  Well, how do you do "light and fun" after you bury your child?  How do you not feel guilty for laughing?  How do I let others get upset over the smallest insignificant things and make it important?  There are millions of things changing in my world.  Things my body and mind are just catching up to.  All I can do is rely on faith.  What choice do I have?  Besides, if God is taking care of my son, don't I owe  it to him, to have a little faith? 

3 months it doesn't seem like 3 months, it feels like an eternity since I last held my son.  It feels like an eternity since I last held his hand, felt his kicks, sang to him..  So, I sit here, holding this little monkey that he and I both have, praying he knows how much he's loved and picking myself back up and trying again tomorrow.  One minute at a time.  

We made it..

We made it.  We lived through my Due Date and Mother's Day.  There were sad moments.  My sister in law graduated on Easton's Due Date.  We were debating when we found out, if he would come early and be at her graduation or not.  I'm willing to bet he was there.  It was rough to go there, knowing my plans were to be holding him during the ceremony.  Taking pictures of his Aunt holding him in her graduation gown.  We gave her a gift, it was a silver Precious Moment's Boy Angel with a heart made of his birthstone.  She wore it with pride.  It amazes me how much my little guy is loved. 

We took flowers to the cemetery, then planted a tree for him, on Mother's Day, in our yard. Mother's Day started out rocky, but got better.  As my friends text their love and thoughts to me and Nate and my Mom bought me flowers and I got Mother's Day cards, it was like they got it.  They understood that I'm a mom. 

I had prayed and asked Easton to show us he was with us on the weekend.  That I needed a sign to get through the weekend.  It came on Sunday.  My Mother/Father In Law were heading to the beach.  They were on the highway and they passed a tour bus with a huge sign on the side Easton Tours.  She said as they would speed up and get around it, it would catch up to them.  She finally took a picture with her phone and sent it to us.  Then they stopped for lunch in a town they have always stopped in, she never noticed the name before, but it was called Easton.  I'd say my little guy did a good job! 

I was upset that my little boy wouldn't be with me for my first Mother's Day, but he certainly was.  Surrounding us with the love of our family and friends. 

Dreams

The last few days I've been waking up and had to double check my life.  In my dream I had a baby and he was here with me.  The first dream he was just a baby in his crib and I had to go check on him.  I woke up and felt like I needed to go to his room.  But, his room isn't even finished, there is no drywall, just studs, there is a pile of paneling on the floor.  The room is empty, just like my arms.  In many ways, I want to leave it that way.  Last night I had a dream that Easton was a boy about 7 years old, playing in his room.  He smiled at me and kept playing.  Waking up like this has its good and very bad points.  I am so happy that he is here, then when I realize that it was a dream, my heart breaks.  I'm a mess all day.  Today was my 2nd day back to work.  This dream, didn't make my life easy today.  On top of that, it's Gram's birthday. No one said this life would be easy.  My Gram taught me so much about life and who I am today.  I never knew she would continue to teach me.  My Gram and Pap were married 25 short years whenever he passed away.  This wasn't just any old marriage, these two are what people aspire to be, or at least they should 

If you would ask my Gram about Pap, her eyes would light up, she would smile.  And she would go on and on about him.  She wouldn't get sad.  I know she missed that man more than anything in this world.  But, he made her smile.  She still lived even after losing the love of her life.  How does anyone do that.  Well, now I'm figuring that out.  Now, I'm here, trying to figure out how life continues without him here on Earth.  It's inevitable, I know.  You either keep moving or get trampled on.  It's not like I can tell everyone to stop living because I'm sad.  Even if I could, what good would that do?  So, I'm trying to get to that point where, I smile.  When I think of my baby boy, I smile. 

God has blessed me with knowing my Gram.  They don't make women like her anymore, and I am trying my best to live up to her.  God has blessed me with an incredible husband, which, I talk about with a bright smile.  Really, that only explanation for how we are together, is it's God's Plan.  I have never known someone so amazing.  My soul just feels right with him.  That's how I know that God not only had a plan for us, but for Easton.  Easton was made out of 100% Love.  Something made of that much love is bound for great things.  <3

Good Night My Angel..

Due Date

The ever awaited, Due Date.  I couldn't wait to get one.  For more than 10 years I've wanted one. I wanted to share it with everyone.  Some part of me thought, if they give me a Due Date, then that meant it was all going to be ok.  If I have a Due Date, then no one can deny me dream of having a baby.  And, I think part of me knew that it would never happen the way it happens for most women.  At least the ones you hear about.

May 12th was to be the most glorious day of my life.  Now, if i had a fast forward button, I'm pretty sure I'd use it.  I know the day will come and go.  I know the grief will be rough and raw once again. In a way, I welcome it.  It means he meant something.  In another way, I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  I want time to stop.  Something has happened these past few days, as I let the anger and grief consume me.  It feels like I'm closer to him then ever.  I can feel him in my soul.  How one little person can have this effect over so many people, clearly shows the love he has brought out in everyone.  I know it sounds silly, but, I think even the dogs loved him.  Or just the fact that I talked about his due date to them and told them that they were getting a new best friend.  These are the things that make me his mom.  No one understands, how I feel.  How could they?  They didn't have his best friends picked out already, didn't dream of his eyes or what his cry would sound like.  How could anyone know that I sang to him in the car so he would get used to my voice.  How would they know that when I held my belly, it wasn't so much that it hurt, it was because I felt like I was hugging him.  When I'd rock while laying down, it was because I thought he might like it.  Maybe somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.

Easton is all around me.  I feel his presence everywhere.  I talk to him, I pray to him.  I say this alot I guess, but I see him in Nate's face so much.  It makes my heart not feel so empty whenever I look at his pictures and look at Nate.  This hole in my heart, feels like someone blew it open with a shotgun.  It feels like only the parts that need to keep me functioning are there, the rest is gone.  I'm hoping in time, my heart will grow, I'm hoping that this new world I live in will be kind to me.  All I really want is to have peace.  Wow, did I take that for granted before.

So, Baby E, your due date will be here before we know it.  The day I was to bring you home.  We are going to do our best to celebrate your life.  To celebrate the meaning of you and all you have done for us.  Mother's Day is the following day and some people may not see me as a mom.  I guess the way I'm looking at it is, I had the hardest job a mom could ever do.  I have to live every day, not being able to hold or kiss my son.  I had to let him go, knowing I'd never get to see him again.  We will celebrate the fact that the love between Me and You, a mother and her son, can never be replaced and will live on forever.

He's not just anyone, He's My Son...

Signs

I've heard from many angel mommies that they see "signs" and just know the sign is from Heaven.  Up until this week, little things would happen that would make me wonder if my little guy was trying to tell his mom something.  Today, I heard him loud and clear.  I was thinking about him a ton, as I always do, and I went outside to try and start planting my rose bushes.  I turned on my MP3 player and found the song, If I Die Young.  In the song she says, "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors."  At this point, a small plane was flying low over my house and I looked up to see it.  When I did, I notice a rainbow in the clouds.  I had to keep looking to make sure it was real.  I looked down and up like 5 times.  At that point, I just started crying.  I knew my little guy was trying to tell me he was ok.  I have been so worried about him lately, wondering if he is safe.  Sounds silly, right?  I am just so afraid of the unknown.  Today gave me a little solace.  Today gave me my "hug" of sorts.  My son is a sweetheart, just like his father. 

I'm looking forward to our future for the first time since this happened.  The future haunted me before.  Everything, even the sunshine, reminded me of things I would not get to do with my son.  Now I know he will always be there with me.  Now, we are learning how to live with an angel son.  The women I have met along this journey are what have taught me to live with my son, not without him.  I am awaiting a picture of my son's name written in the sand, on a beach in Australia at sunset.  We cannot wait to hang it on our wall! 

I can only hope for more signs and one day he will be showing his brother or sister the same signs.