Today, I find myself asking.. "When does it get to be my turn for things to be easy?" Really, I don't think I'm a horrible person. I have my shortcomings just like everyone. But, for the most part, I'm a good wife, daughter, friend, person. So, as you can guess, today is a "Why me?" or more so, "Why not me?" kind of day.
Why not me, why can't I be a mom? Why is it that the one thing I wanted for the almost half of my life, is so hard to achieve. See, everything up until Nate was a struggle. We met and it was like a light switch turning on. My world was looking up. We instantly knew we were right for each other.. we bought a house, got engaged, got married and pregnant within 1 year! I thought finally, my life is going how I would like it to go. I can breathe. Then March 5th came. We lost our son. His heartbeat was gone. Stripped from us. Just like that.. The world went back to being a cold place. We try with every part of our beings to be strong, to remind ourselves that he HAD to feel the love we have for him.
So now we are making the huge decision to try and get pregnant again. Well, do you think that would be easy? Nope.. of course not. Now I'm back to 10 years ago when my ex husband and I decided we were going to try and for over a year it didnt happen. We were stressed and ended up ripping us apart. Do I want to give up and say forget it, we'll never have kids?? Yes, yes I do. I want to crawl in a hole and not have to face the days. Easton was my dream come true and he's gone. He's not here.
All our friends parade their children around... why not? I would! But, it hurts. It hurts cause I can't help but think of what he would look like.. what would his smile look like? what would his cry sound like?
There is nothing more crippling then losing your child.. you live the rest of your life with this feeling.. A "something's missing" feeling. A "can I please find a way to turn back time" feeling. I miss my son, he was a part of me, he is a part of me, that is missing now. Someday, maybe it will be easy, but until then, i'll keep counting my little blessings..
God Bless you little guy.. mama loves u
