In a haze

It seems every time my husband's work shift is 4pm - midnight, my mind gets the best of me.  Thank goodness its only once a month, I don't know if I could handle anymore than that.  I have my moments during any day that the heartache is still raw and painful.  But, knowing he is here to center me is sort of my lifeline. 

Today a new employee at my office and I were talking about weight loss, she mentioned it got harder after she got older and after she had her children.  I am a sharer, I usually don't hold anything back when talking about myself, but, today I did.  I was going to say that I can't seem to lose the last 15 lbs of baby weight, but then stopped.  I realized I would get the question, what did I have or worse a "congratulations", I wasn't ready to explain that my son did not make it.  The last time I had to say that to someone, I left work early and stayed in bed the rest of the day.  I almost felt guilty not sharing about my son.  I remember 2 weeks after the funeral, I went to get my hair done, to try and make me feel better, at least get rid of my roots that were showing.  I went to a new girl and she started asking me how long I was married and if we had any kids, I told her we did not and she kept asking if we planned on having them.  I felt so guilty for not saying I have a son, but it's just easier than re visiting the pain.  Nate got a tattoo with Easton's name on it last week, his father's day present, we went to dinner and the waitress asked who Easton was, we both froze, then finally I said he's our son.  I think the waitress caught the idea and didnt ask more.  But, I hate that it's so hard.  I love to talk about him.  I love to remember him, but sharing with others is so hard sometimes.  The pity looks from everyone that knew have subsided.  I think part of the reason I don't share is because I don't want to see that again.  The other reason is, I don't want to break down and cry in front of a stranger.  That is how I gauge what I tell people now; do I mind crying in front of this person? 

I titled this "In a haze" because I am.  We've decided to try for a baby again.  (I hate the word again or another.. working on figuring out a better term)  See when Nate is home, he grounds me, keeps me centered.  When he's not, my mind goes all haywire. I worry about what if i am pregnant??  Am I doing everything to ensure my baby will be ok?  What will I do?  When will all these doctor appointments start?  How will I focus on the positive?  How will our family react?  Will they worry constantly?  I know I worried when my best friend was pregnant with her rainbow baby.  Her rainbow baby was just fine.  But I know I jumped every time that damn phone rang.  Will I put our friends and family through that?  How do I assure them that they need not worry, when I am overly worried?

A few weeks after we lost Easton, I had lunch with a friend.  Her son died at 9 months of SIDS.  She said that she envisions me with a bunch of children around me and that she knows it will happen.  I keep trying to focus on that. She has 3 beautiful girls and they all know about their big brother.  I'm so excited to talk to Easton's little brother or sister about him.  I feel like he'll be with them forever.  I remember when Nate took me to his sister's grave for the first time.  We had been dating a few months and he said he would stop up there from time to time.  I was touched that he remembered her and knew her story and that she meant so much to him.  I pray that we can share Easton's memory and he will mean that much to his brother or sister.

I cannot wait to share the memory of my little man.. my angel.

Pins and Needles, not so much..

I haven't written in awhile, I have so many emotions and things in my head, it's hard to figure out how to convey them.  I started this blog, so that one day, Easton's brother or sister would be able to read this and get a better feeling for just how special he is.  That, they might be able to read and truly appreciate life a little more.

We have been talking about getting pregnant.  I think everyone is scared of how I will do with this.  I know that when my best friend got pregnant a year after losing her son, I was a mess.  I was scared and on pins and needles until I saw that beautiful little girl being weighed and screaming her little head off!  So, why now, do I feel ok?  Why do I feel like it will be ok?  My guess, well, I'd say its a mixture of things.  First and foremost, the good Lord will do as he sees best.  I cannot control what happens, I can only do my best to take care of my baby.  Just as I did with Easton.  Second, Easton deserves a brother or sister.  One he can watch over, someone that will get to know him and love him too.  Lastly, I want this so bad.  I want to be a mom of a baby here on earth.  I want to watch my baby grow, play, cry, sleep, all of that wonderful stuff. 

I will be sad I'm sure, the memories I have of my lil guy are of carrying him, feeling kicks, cravings, sonograms, watching him jump around on that screen is the best memory I have, aside from seeing his beautiful little face.  How could I not remember him.  I am learning that the sadness brings me closer to him.   I was so sad and missing him the other day.  I sent a text message to Nate telling him that.  He said that it was ok, because that shows how much love I have for him.  Well, yet again, Nate was right.  When I start to miss him, I am learning to embrace it.  To remember that the reason I'm missing him is because I love him more than life itself.  That kind of love is made only by God himself. 

The Houser family was blessed by this Angel that we named Easton.  The love of our lives.  I'm told that hole in my heart will never heal, but my heart will get bigger and allow more love to come in.  My friend told me this happened to her when she saw her baby girl cry.  I know that there is enough room in our hearts for another baby or maybe 2! And that Easton will always have his permanent spot in our hearts and in our minds. 

It's a Love without end, Amen.

3 months

3 months ago today, I still had dreams of bringing my baby home.  3 months ago, I was worrying about what to wear to my baby shower, worried that the room wouldn't be done in time.  3 months ago tomorrow, I had those dreams taken from me.  I've read other mom's blogs, 3 month angelversary is  something that, up until now, I didn't understand.  I read their blogs, I saw how upsetting it was.  All the while, thinking, I'm ok.  I mean 3 months is just a period of time, it has no major significance.  I survived Mother's Day, My Due Date, the funeral, how could 3 months be any worse?  Well, I think I figured it out.  Might have been this past weekend which was full of reminders of him.  Might have been the person that just came back to work and asked how my baby was doing (guess he didnt get that memo) or the baby that I saw wearing an outfit that was the same as someone bought for Easton, it could be everything together.  But, last night, I was sad, I had dreams of him all night.  Today, it was like someone hit me with a knock out punch.  I couldn't focus, everything was a blur and I just wanted to sit and cry and be anywhere but where I was.

Today, was when it sunk in.  I'm not bringing a baby home.  See you would think in 3 months time I would have figured this out.  Hell, you'd think I could have figured it out when I made that horrible trip home without him.  I'm no doctor, but, I'm guessing my hormones are back to normal now.  I'm also guessing I was still in shock, and why wouldn't I be?  I also guess that even if your mind knows something, the rest of your body (the part that changed cause you were pregnant), takes a little longer to figure it out.  3 months is not a-lot of time when it comes to losing your baby,  your dream, the love of your life.  So now, the hormones aren't raging, the shock is wearing off and here I am.  The dust is settling so to speak.  This is me and I have no baby.  This nightmare, really isn't a nightmare.  This is life as we know it.  This is where I have to rebuild from.

How do I get me back??  I'm the girl that let things slide.  I'm the girl that was easy going and said whatever, way too much.  I'm the girl that was happy with just about everything, I didn't like to draw attention to myself.  I kept things light and fun.  Well, how do you do "light and fun" after you bury your child?  How do you not feel guilty for laughing?  How do I let others get upset over the smallest insignificant things and make it important?  There are millions of things changing in my world.  Things my body and mind are just catching up to.  All I can do is rely on faith.  What choice do I have?  Besides, if God is taking care of my son, don't I owe  it to him, to have a little faith? 

3 months it doesn't seem like 3 months, it feels like an eternity since I last held my son.  It feels like an eternity since I last held his hand, felt his kicks, sang to him..  So, I sit here, holding this little monkey that he and I both have, praying he knows how much he's loved and picking myself back up and trying again tomorrow.  One minute at a time.