The Dance

“Holding you, I held Everything, for a moment, wasn’t I the King”.. I’ve heard that song sung by Garth Brooks a million times.  “For a moment, all the world was right, how could I have known, that you’d ever say goodbye.”   Wow, that song hit me like a ton of bricks the other day.  That sums up my time with my son.  When I was pregnant, when we held him, we were kings, we had everything.   “If I’d only known, how the key would fall, hey who’s to say, you know I might have changed it all.”  I thought about this for a long time.  If I would have known that we would lose Easton, that we couldn’t bring him home with us, would I save us the heartache?  You know, I probably would have.  If someone said, you are going to get pregnant, carry this child for 7 months, have dreams for him, but you will not be able to keep him, you can’t bring him home and live out those dreams… I have to be honest, I imagine I would say no way, I won’t go through with it.  But, that is how awesome the Lord is.  If he gave me the choice, I would have never felt the immense love from not only holding my son, but the amazing people I am surrounded with.  I would have never known my son the way I do.  Would I change things if I could, you can bet on it, but the only thing I’d change is us not bringing him home and watching him grow.  

“My life, is better left to chance, I couldn’t miss the pain, that I’d have had to miss, The Dance.”  I had my son, if only for a fleeting moment I held my son.  I got to know my son and for 7 brief months and one long night he was here on earth.  For an eternity, he lives in my heart and mind.  He’s taught me that sometimes, in order to have something amazing and beautiful, you have to go through the pain.  And just because there is pain, does not mean that beautiful things aren’t happening.  Embrace the beautiful things, the pain is a small price to pay.

Speaking of dancing, I know my little man has to be dancing in Heaven.  The past weeks have been rough and the beautiful sunsets and the peace I have been feeling are a blessing.  

I’m Easton’s mom, so thankful, that I got to Dance.

Easy

Today, I find myself asking.. "When does it get to be my turn for things to be easy?"  Really, I don't think I'm a horrible person.  I have my shortcomings just like everyone.  But, for the most part, I'm a good wife, daughter, friend, person.  So, as you can guess, today is a "Why me?" or more so, "Why not me?" kind of day. 

Why not me, why can't I be a mom?  Why is it that the one thing I wanted for the almost half of my life, is so hard to achieve.  See, everything up until Nate was a struggle.  We met and it was like a light switch turning on.  My world was looking up.  We instantly knew we were right for each other.. we bought a house, got engaged, got married and pregnant within 1 year!  I thought finally, my life is going how I would like it to go.  I can breathe.  Then March 5th came.  We lost our son.  His heartbeat was gone.  Stripped from us.  Just like that.. The world went back to being a cold place.  We try with every part of our beings to be strong, to remind ourselves that he HAD to feel the love we have for him. 

So now we are making the huge decision to try and get pregnant again.  Well, do you think that would be easy?  Nope.. of  course not.  Now I'm back to 10 years ago when my ex husband and I decided we were going to try and for over a year it didnt happen.  We were stressed and ended up ripping us apart.  Do I want to give up and say forget it, we'll never have kids?? Yes, yes I do.  I want to crawl in a hole and not have to face the days.  Easton was my dream come true and he's gone.  He's not here. 

All our friends  parade their children around... why not?  I would!  But, it hurts.  It hurts cause I can't help but think of what he would look like..  what would his smile look like?  what would his cry sound like? 

There is nothing more crippling then losing your child.. you live the rest of your life with this feeling.. A "something's missing" feeling.  A "can I please find a way to turn back time" feeling.  I miss my son, he was a part of me, he is a part of me, that is missing now.  Someday, maybe it will be easy, but until then, i'll keep counting my little blessings..

God Bless you little guy.. mama loves u

In a haze

It seems every time my husband's work shift is 4pm - midnight, my mind gets the best of me.  Thank goodness its only once a month, I don't know if I could handle anymore than that.  I have my moments during any day that the heartache is still raw and painful.  But, knowing he is here to center me is sort of my lifeline. 

Today a new employee at my office and I were talking about weight loss, she mentioned it got harder after she got older and after she had her children.  I am a sharer, I usually don't hold anything back when talking about myself, but, today I did.  I was going to say that I can't seem to lose the last 15 lbs of baby weight, but then stopped.  I realized I would get the question, what did I have or worse a "congratulations", I wasn't ready to explain that my son did not make it.  The last time I had to say that to someone, I left work early and stayed in bed the rest of the day.  I almost felt guilty not sharing about my son.  I remember 2 weeks after the funeral, I went to get my hair done, to try and make me feel better, at least get rid of my roots that were showing.  I went to a new girl and she started asking me how long I was married and if we had any kids, I told her we did not and she kept asking if we planned on having them.  I felt so guilty for not saying I have a son, but it's just easier than re visiting the pain.  Nate got a tattoo with Easton's name on it last week, his father's day present, we went to dinner and the waitress asked who Easton was, we both froze, then finally I said he's our son.  I think the waitress caught the idea and didnt ask more.  But, I hate that it's so hard.  I love to talk about him.  I love to remember him, but sharing with others is so hard sometimes.  The pity looks from everyone that knew have subsided.  I think part of the reason I don't share is because I don't want to see that again.  The other reason is, I don't want to break down and cry in front of a stranger.  That is how I gauge what I tell people now; do I mind crying in front of this person? 

I titled this "In a haze" because I am.  We've decided to try for a baby again.  (I hate the word again or another.. working on figuring out a better term)  See when Nate is home, he grounds me, keeps me centered.  When he's not, my mind goes all haywire. I worry about what if i am pregnant??  Am I doing everything to ensure my baby will be ok?  What will I do?  When will all these doctor appointments start?  How will I focus on the positive?  How will our family react?  Will they worry constantly?  I know I worried when my best friend was pregnant with her rainbow baby.  Her rainbow baby was just fine.  But I know I jumped every time that damn phone rang.  Will I put our friends and family through that?  How do I assure them that they need not worry, when I am overly worried?

A few weeks after we lost Easton, I had lunch with a friend.  Her son died at 9 months of SIDS.  She said that she envisions me with a bunch of children around me and that she knows it will happen.  I keep trying to focus on that. She has 3 beautiful girls and they all know about their big brother.  I'm so excited to talk to Easton's little brother or sister about him.  I feel like he'll be with them forever.  I remember when Nate took me to his sister's grave for the first time.  We had been dating a few months and he said he would stop up there from time to time.  I was touched that he remembered her and knew her story and that she meant so much to him.  I pray that we can share Easton's memory and he will mean that much to his brother or sister.

I cannot wait to share the memory of my little man.. my angel.

Pins and Needles, not so much..

I haven't written in awhile, I have so many emotions and things in my head, it's hard to figure out how to convey them.  I started this blog, so that one day, Easton's brother or sister would be able to read this and get a better feeling for just how special he is.  That, they might be able to read and truly appreciate life a little more.

We have been talking about getting pregnant.  I think everyone is scared of how I will do with this.  I know that when my best friend got pregnant a year after losing her son, I was a mess.  I was scared and on pins and needles until I saw that beautiful little girl being weighed and screaming her little head off!  So, why now, do I feel ok?  Why do I feel like it will be ok?  My guess, well, I'd say its a mixture of things.  First and foremost, the good Lord will do as he sees best.  I cannot control what happens, I can only do my best to take care of my baby.  Just as I did with Easton.  Second, Easton deserves a brother or sister.  One he can watch over, someone that will get to know him and love him too.  Lastly, I want this so bad.  I want to be a mom of a baby here on earth.  I want to watch my baby grow, play, cry, sleep, all of that wonderful stuff. 

I will be sad I'm sure, the memories I have of my lil guy are of carrying him, feeling kicks, cravings, sonograms, watching him jump around on that screen is the best memory I have, aside from seeing his beautiful little face.  How could I not remember him.  I am learning that the sadness brings me closer to him.   I was so sad and missing him the other day.  I sent a text message to Nate telling him that.  He said that it was ok, because that shows how much love I have for him.  Well, yet again, Nate was right.  When I start to miss him, I am learning to embrace it.  To remember that the reason I'm missing him is because I love him more than life itself.  That kind of love is made only by God himself. 

The Houser family was blessed by this Angel that we named Easton.  The love of our lives.  I'm told that hole in my heart will never heal, but my heart will get bigger and allow more love to come in.  My friend told me this happened to her when she saw her baby girl cry.  I know that there is enough room in our hearts for another baby or maybe 2! And that Easton will always have his permanent spot in our hearts and in our minds. 

It's a Love without end, Amen.

3 months

3 months ago today, I still had dreams of bringing my baby home.  3 months ago, I was worrying about what to wear to my baby shower, worried that the room wouldn't be done in time.  3 months ago tomorrow, I had those dreams taken from me.  I've read other mom's blogs, 3 month angelversary is  something that, up until now, I didn't understand.  I read their blogs, I saw how upsetting it was.  All the while, thinking, I'm ok.  I mean 3 months is just a period of time, it has no major significance.  I survived Mother's Day, My Due Date, the funeral, how could 3 months be any worse?  Well, I think I figured it out.  Might have been this past weekend which was full of reminders of him.  Might have been the person that just came back to work and asked how my baby was doing (guess he didnt get that memo) or the baby that I saw wearing an outfit that was the same as someone bought for Easton, it could be everything together.  But, last night, I was sad, I had dreams of him all night.  Today, it was like someone hit me with a knock out punch.  I couldn't focus, everything was a blur and I just wanted to sit and cry and be anywhere but where I was.

Today, was when it sunk in.  I'm not bringing a baby home.  See you would think in 3 months time I would have figured this out.  Hell, you'd think I could have figured it out when I made that horrible trip home without him.  I'm no doctor, but, I'm guessing my hormones are back to normal now.  I'm also guessing I was still in shock, and why wouldn't I be?  I also guess that even if your mind knows something, the rest of your body (the part that changed cause you were pregnant), takes a little longer to figure it out.  3 months is not a-lot of time when it comes to losing your baby,  your dream, the love of your life.  So now, the hormones aren't raging, the shock is wearing off and here I am.  The dust is settling so to speak.  This is me and I have no baby.  This nightmare, really isn't a nightmare.  This is life as we know it.  This is where I have to rebuild from.

How do I get me back??  I'm the girl that let things slide.  I'm the girl that was easy going and said whatever, way too much.  I'm the girl that was happy with just about everything, I didn't like to draw attention to myself.  I kept things light and fun.  Well, how do you do "light and fun" after you bury your child?  How do you not feel guilty for laughing?  How do I let others get upset over the smallest insignificant things and make it important?  There are millions of things changing in my world.  Things my body and mind are just catching up to.  All I can do is rely on faith.  What choice do I have?  Besides, if God is taking care of my son, don't I owe  it to him, to have a little faith? 

3 months it doesn't seem like 3 months, it feels like an eternity since I last held my son.  It feels like an eternity since I last held his hand, felt his kicks, sang to him..  So, I sit here, holding this little monkey that he and I both have, praying he knows how much he's loved and picking myself back up and trying again tomorrow.  One minute at a time.  

We made it..

We made it.  We lived through my Due Date and Mother's Day.  There were sad moments.  My sister in law graduated on Easton's Due Date.  We were debating when we found out, if he would come early and be at her graduation or not.  I'm willing to bet he was there.  It was rough to go there, knowing my plans were to be holding him during the ceremony.  Taking pictures of his Aunt holding him in her graduation gown.  We gave her a gift, it was a silver Precious Moment's Boy Angel with a heart made of his birthstone.  She wore it with pride.  It amazes me how much my little guy is loved. 

We took flowers to the cemetery, then planted a tree for him, on Mother's Day, in our yard. Mother's Day started out rocky, but got better.  As my friends text their love and thoughts to me and Nate and my Mom bought me flowers and I got Mother's Day cards, it was like they got it.  They understood that I'm a mom. 

I had prayed and asked Easton to show us he was with us on the weekend.  That I needed a sign to get through the weekend.  It came on Sunday.  My Mother/Father In Law were heading to the beach.  They were on the highway and they passed a tour bus with a huge sign on the side Easton Tours.  She said as they would speed up and get around it, it would catch up to them.  She finally took a picture with her phone and sent it to us.  Then they stopped for lunch in a town they have always stopped in, she never noticed the name before, but it was called Easton.  I'd say my little guy did a good job! 

I was upset that my little boy wouldn't be with me for my first Mother's Day, but he certainly was.  Surrounding us with the love of our family and friends. 

Dreams

The last few days I've been waking up and had to double check my life.  In my dream I had a baby and he was here with me.  The first dream he was just a baby in his crib and I had to go check on him.  I woke up and felt like I needed to go to his room.  But, his room isn't even finished, there is no drywall, just studs, there is a pile of paneling on the floor.  The room is empty, just like my arms.  In many ways, I want to leave it that way.  Last night I had a dream that Easton was a boy about 7 years old, playing in his room.  He smiled at me and kept playing.  Waking up like this has its good and very bad points.  I am so happy that he is here, then when I realize that it was a dream, my heart breaks.  I'm a mess all day.  Today was my 2nd day back to work.  This dream, didn't make my life easy today.  On top of that, it's Gram's birthday. No one said this life would be easy.  My Gram taught me so much about life and who I am today.  I never knew she would continue to teach me.  My Gram and Pap were married 25 short years whenever he passed away.  This wasn't just any old marriage, these two are what people aspire to be, or at least they should 

If you would ask my Gram about Pap, her eyes would light up, she would smile.  And she would go on and on about him.  She wouldn't get sad.  I know she missed that man more than anything in this world.  But, he made her smile.  She still lived even after losing the love of her life.  How does anyone do that.  Well, now I'm figuring that out.  Now, I'm here, trying to figure out how life continues without him here on Earth.  It's inevitable, I know.  You either keep moving or get trampled on.  It's not like I can tell everyone to stop living because I'm sad.  Even if I could, what good would that do?  So, I'm trying to get to that point where, I smile.  When I think of my baby boy, I smile. 

God has blessed me with knowing my Gram.  They don't make women like her anymore, and I am trying my best to live up to her.  God has blessed me with an incredible husband, which, I talk about with a bright smile.  Really, that only explanation for how we are together, is it's God's Plan.  I have never known someone so amazing.  My soul just feels right with him.  That's how I know that God not only had a plan for us, but for Easton.  Easton was made out of 100% Love.  Something made of that much love is bound for great things.  <3

Good Night My Angel..

Due Date

The ever awaited, Due Date.  I couldn't wait to get one.  For more than 10 years I've wanted one. I wanted to share it with everyone.  Some part of me thought, if they give me a Due Date, then that meant it was all going to be ok.  If I have a Due Date, then no one can deny me dream of having a baby.  And, I think part of me knew that it would never happen the way it happens for most women.  At least the ones you hear about.

May 12th was to be the most glorious day of my life.  Now, if i had a fast forward button, I'm pretty sure I'd use it.  I know the day will come and go.  I know the grief will be rough and raw once again. In a way, I welcome it.  It means he meant something.  In another way, I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  I want time to stop.  Something has happened these past few days, as I let the anger and grief consume me.  It feels like I'm closer to him then ever.  I can feel him in my soul.  How one little person can have this effect over so many people, clearly shows the love he has brought out in everyone.  I know it sounds silly, but, I think even the dogs loved him.  Or just the fact that I talked about his due date to them and told them that they were getting a new best friend.  These are the things that make me his mom.  No one understands, how I feel.  How could they?  They didn't have his best friends picked out already, didn't dream of his eyes or what his cry would sound like.  How could anyone know that I sang to him in the car so he would get used to my voice.  How would they know that when I held my belly, it wasn't so much that it hurt, it was because I felt like I was hugging him.  When I'd rock while laying down, it was because I thought he might like it.  Maybe somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.

Easton is all around me.  I feel his presence everywhere.  I talk to him, I pray to him.  I say this alot I guess, but I see him in Nate's face so much.  It makes my heart not feel so empty whenever I look at his pictures and look at Nate.  This hole in my heart, feels like someone blew it open with a shotgun.  It feels like only the parts that need to keep me functioning are there, the rest is gone.  I'm hoping in time, my heart will grow, I'm hoping that this new world I live in will be kind to me.  All I really want is to have peace.  Wow, did I take that for granted before.

So, Baby E, your due date will be here before we know it.  The day I was to bring you home.  We are going to do our best to celebrate your life.  To celebrate the meaning of you and all you have done for us.  Mother's Day is the following day and some people may not see me as a mom.  I guess the way I'm looking at it is, I had the hardest job a mom could ever do.  I have to live every day, not being able to hold or kiss my son.  I had to let him go, knowing I'd never get to see him again.  We will celebrate the fact that the love between Me and You, a mother and her son, can never be replaced and will live on forever.

He's not just anyone, He's My Son...

Signs

I've heard from many angel mommies that they see "signs" and just know the sign is from Heaven.  Up until this week, little things would happen that would make me wonder if my little guy was trying to tell his mom something.  Today, I heard him loud and clear.  I was thinking about him a ton, as I always do, and I went outside to try and start planting my rose bushes.  I turned on my MP3 player and found the song, If I Die Young.  In the song she says, "Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother, she'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors."  At this point, a small plane was flying low over my house and I looked up to see it.  When I did, I notice a rainbow in the clouds.  I had to keep looking to make sure it was real.  I looked down and up like 5 times.  At that point, I just started crying.  I knew my little guy was trying to tell me he was ok.  I have been so worried about him lately, wondering if he is safe.  Sounds silly, right?  I am just so afraid of the unknown.  Today gave me a little solace.  Today gave me my "hug" of sorts.  My son is a sweetheart, just like his father. 

I'm looking forward to our future for the first time since this happened.  The future haunted me before.  Everything, even the sunshine, reminded me of things I would not get to do with my son.  Now I know he will always be there with me.  Now, we are learning how to live with an angel son.  The women I have met along this journey are what have taught me to live with my son, not without him.  I am awaiting a picture of my son's name written in the sand, on a beach in Australia at sunset.  We cannot wait to hang it on our wall! 

I can only hope for more signs and one day he will be showing his brother or sister the same signs.

Living "Every Minute" with Hopes of "Getting There"

I sit here tonight trying to figure out who I am.  I know that I'm still me but there is a new side to me.  One that's a little tougher, has more faith and lives moment to moment.  My life used to just fly by and I was always in a hurry to get to the next step.  Now it seems things have slowed down.  I have been living in the moment since Easton died.  From the moment they confirmed he was gone, Nate whispered to me, Every Minute.  He said Every Minute was one step closer to this nightmare being over.  Every minute we were closer to meeting our son and closure after we buried him.

Every minute is what I have to remind myself in the bad moments.  I allow myself those bad moments.  I feel I'm entitled to them.  Besides, who's going to judge me for having a bad moment, really!  Every minute means so much more to me now.  Every minute I get to spend with the love of my life is awesome and I don't take it for granted even for a second!  Every minute is one minute closer to being with my son in Heaven.  Every minute is joy and Every minute can be painful.  It's in those minutes that I'm living now.

We'll get there is another thing that my husband tells me.  Nate reminds me of this when other people are bringing home their babies from the hospital and I'm sad cause we never got to bring Easton home, he says, "We'll get there."  We'll get there gives me hope, that someday, we will get to bring a baby home.  We'll get there means that someday, we will have a baby to keep us up all night, one to take for holiday pictures, one to plan and have hopes and dreams for.  We'll get there gets me through those rough moments in a Angel Mommy's life.

This is my life now, living in the moment with hopes of "getting there".  I can say that I see the world differently.  I have always been pretty compassionate, but now I see how I effect people.  Now, I see when people need me.  Now, I see their emotion. I don't think I've ever really slowed down enough to truly be a good listener.  I've also realized that swallowing my pride is way more important than always being right.  That a smile on my husbands face is so much more rewarding than being the person that got her way.  Life is bittersweet, I learned that all too well on March 5th.  I also learned that if you can handle the bitter, the sweet is so much more rewarding.

Not a day goes by where I don't thank the Lord for blessing us with you Easton.  You are truly the best thing that ever happened to us.  Mommy and Daddy love you more than you ever could imagine.  Our cup overflows.  xoxo

Dear Easton

Dear Easton,

I am missing you so much, I feel the need to write to you.  Your dad is on evening turn this week and I am having a bit of a tough time.  You Pap Pap went to visit you today.  I hope you were there with him.  He certainly misses you. I think he had big plans for you too.  Secretly though, because he tries to act like he's not a "kid person".  Truth be told, he was one of the most fun people when I was growing up.  I always thought there was no one on earth better than your Pap Pap.  Until I met your dad, then I knew there were two people in this world that I trusted completely.  Your pap most certainly looked forward to taking you fishing and hunting.  He's a little awkward when it comes to feelings but I'm sure you feel his love.

I'm being a little selfish this evening.  I'm thinking about me.  I'm thinking about what I wanted for us.  I'm thinking about holding and rocking you and singing the songs my gram sang to me.  But, I should be comforted in knowing that she is most likely up there singing them to you.  And my Pap Shannon is going to be the one to take you fishing and hunting.  You were my dream, little boy. I'm sorry I was so scared while I was pregnant.  I was so afraid something was going to happen to you, that I didn't make the most of the time we had.

I pray that you are here with me.  I pray that know how much I love you.  I pray that you know that you are on my mind every second of the day.  I think that is the worst part.  I don't know if you are here, if you are ok.  If you need me.  I feel like I'm not doing my job as your mom, but I'm not sure what my job is now.

Please baby, be happy.  Please know that you are loved beyond anything I've ever loved.  It scares me how much I love you.  Please know how much your family loves you.  How much you were wanted and how we are looking forward to being with you someday.

I love you baby boy.  Sweet dreams little man.

Love Always,

Mom
xoxo  

Coping

Maybe because I know what it's like to want a baby for so long and not have your prayers answered.  Then when they are finally answered, the pain of miscarriage is hard.  I believe it was hard because I never got to see my baby then.  I had the excitement of being pregnant and just as soon as I found out, days later it was stripped from me.  I had a hard time going in public.  It wasn't that I thought people were looking at me (like I feel now), people didn't know the horrible thing that happened then.  It was that I didn't want to see all those happy people that were pregnant and the ones that had infants in strollers.  I went to the mall one day, when I thought I was ok and dealing with things better.  It was a bad idea.  It was like every stroller or pregnant person I saw was a knife to my heart.  It hurt so bad to see people living my dream.  We had unexplained infertility.  Which I believe the stress factor of my relationship and my job had a lot to do with it.  Ultimately, it drove me and my then husband, apart.  I couldn't move past the pain and he was ready to give up on the dream. 

My life now is better than I ever imagined.  God blessed me with an incredible man.  This is not how we imagined life would be.  We didn't know we would have an angel for a son.  If you would have told me that I would survive losing my baby, prior to everything that has happened, I would have told you that you were crazy.  I can go in public right now.  Do I see an infant and get a little sad.. yea sure, I'd be crazy not to.  But, it's not my baby.  It's not Easton.  I feel sad that I can't hold my son the way the person is holding their baby.  I get sad that I won't carry him around in a carseat or push him in the awesome jogging stroller we picked for him.  But, it doesn't bother me like it did when I lost my first baby.  Pregnant people don't bother me that much either.  It bothers me when I think of our friends that were due at the same time we were.  (We have 12 friends due within a month of us)  I haven't been able to really see them.  I feel like it would upset me because I would think about myself and how I'm supposed to still be pregnant.  I'm not sure how I will do around their babies.  I'm sure it won't be easy watching them grow, just because I'll always think of what my son would look like or be doing if he were here. 

For the most part, I'm coping as well as can be expected.  I have my bad days and I have my bad moments.  When those moments creep up on me, I think of Easton.  How beautiful he was.  I think about how he used to kick like crazy after the slushies I craved.  God, how I miss him.  Seeing him and holding him, this little person we created, was the best moment of my life.  The other thing helping me cope is my husband.  For someone to care so much about me, makes me speechless.  For someone that has such a problem communicating, he certainly has a way of making me talk about my feelings.  He sits and listens as I ramble about my feelings.  The first 2 weeks, I just said whatever feelings I was having.  I found out he was feeling the same way.  And now, a month later, he's still asking me how I feel.  I truly believe that his support has made me see the good in this whole bad dream.  I have never had anyone that supported me like he does.  I'm truly blessed with this great man.  And for that reason, I have tried to not let myself go to the dark place I was in whenever I had my miscarriage.

I miss my son.  I miss carrying him.  I miss feeling him.  I find myself wishing for one more day.  I pray the Good Lord will bless us with a child.  One that we can share Easton with.  My heart has this hole in it.  I never knew anything could hurt this much.  It's a constant void.  I'm told that it will never go away, in a strange way, it's ok.  Something inside me feels like if I still feel the pain, he's still with me.  If I stop hurting, it would mean that I lost the connection to him.  The hurt isn't always bad.  I know it sounds depressing to think that my hurting is my connection with my son.  Bittersweet is how I would describe it.  The day he was born was bittersweet.  And when I think of him (which is all the time) it's bittersweet.  I remember how beautiful he was and it makes my heart overflow with joy, then I miss him and it hurts.  Bittersweet. 

I believe my husband and my son are helping me to see the best in things.  Not just with what we have been through but with a new outlook on life.  They are my family and I'm so proud of them. 

I love you Easton and his Daddy, more than you will ever know! 

Love,
Easton's Mommy

Missing You

Just when I thought I couldn't miss you anymore, I find myself missing you more than I ever thought humanly possible.  I try so hard to point out the positive of everything (seeing you, holding you, how perfect you are), but now I just miss you.  Nothing makes that go away.  It's only getting stronger. 

So much reminds me of you, of the dreams I had for you.  I had a hard time walking past the baby department in the store today.  I forced myself to do it.  I had to literally talk myself through it.  How silly does that sound?? I wanted to be there buying clothes for you.  I wanted to be there planning for you to come home with me.  Then it hits me, you never got to come home.  We left that Monday and that was the last time I'd have  you here. 

You Nana asked for your pictures the other day, so I made a little card with my favorite pictures of you.  It reminded me how much I was looking forward to taking millions of pictures of you.  I thought you would be so annoyed with me because I tend to take too many pictures. 

No one will ever take your place, no one will ever fill this hole in my heart.  I talk about you everyday.  I think about you all the time.  I miss you.. I miss you a million times over.  I love you tons and tons. 

I've come to the realization that this is US.  This is our family.  You and Daddy and Me.  This wasn't the way we imagined it, but you will always be our son.  We love you, baby E.

Stationery card

Blue Crisscross Birth Announcement

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Perception of Grief

I have been a little put off today by perception of my grief.  It almost seems that people are awaiting me to breakdown and scream and cry.  When I don't it's like they are surprised.  I have my moments, days, where I push myself to move.  I push myself to look for something positive.  I cry, I scream inside, I would give anything to hold my son again.  To kiss him and rock him.  One day I know I will. 

The way I explain it is, Think of the best thing that has ever happened in your life.  Now, think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you.  Put them in the same moment.  That is where you will find me and my feelings.  Yes my baby died.  It was the worst day of my life.  I had to give my baby to a nurse and know I'd never see him again.I had to plan my infant son's funeral.  Pretty bad stuff...  but, I also got to see my son.  I got to kiss him and hold his hand and touch his feet.  He looked like his dad.  He had my fingers and toes.  He is perfect in every way possible.  He was the most incredible thing I've ever seen.  There is a song that says, I saw God today.  I saw God that day.  He proved to me that miracles happen.  I have never been more proud of anything in my life.  Nate and I made him and he was perfect. 

So there are 2 ways I can think of this.  I can think of the horrible thing that happened or I can remember the beautiful baby boy I was blessed with.  I'm choosing to remember my son.  Someday I will see him again and we will be together for eternity.  He is forever mine. 

Dwelling on what went wrong will not bring my son back.  Giving in to dark thoughts and anger will not change what happened.  I have an angel baby.  He's forever a part of me and Nate.  This is our family.  This is our story.  We are proud of our family. 

Yes, there are days I can barely think of anything else, I relive what happened.  I try to figure out if there was something I could have done.  I go out of my mind trying to understand it.  Somedays it all seems too much to grasp.  My grief tends to creep up on me.  I will be doing so well and so positive and then bam it's there.  Usually at night when I get some time to think.  Also, I think it has to do with the fact that I would love to be holding my baby and rocking him to sleep right then. 

Sleep tight my Angel, Mommy loves you.

Finding Our New Normal

Now we are faced with the challenge of finding a new normal.  You see, nothing is the same.  Our life was on a path when we found out we were having a baby.  We changed then.  We started getting ready for this new adventure in our lives.  There is no going back to the way we were before Easton and we aren't on the same path as we were when we found out we were having a baby.  Nothing prepares you for this.  We had planned on bringing him home, on being up for sleepless nights with a fussy baby and feedings.  Changing diapers and learning how to breastfeed.  Christenings and Babysitters.  Not funerals and headstones.  Planned on kissing him a million times over and whispering how much we love him.  Not praying to god that his soul is resting and that he can hear us telling him we love him and praying to him. 

So now we are here.. the parents of an Angel.  An angel that mad us realize so many things in life.    One that will remind me never to take for granted anything in my life.  Easton is in our hearts forever. I've been fortunate to cross paths with a few people that share there stories with me.  I've never been one to open up to strangers in that way.  They are so inspirational, I'm not sure I can be one of these people.  They are beautiful people and maybe some day I'll be strong enough to share like they do. 

I pray for those that are going through this.  I pray for me and my husband that we can heal. 

I heard this today on the movie Shawshank Redemption and it's appropriate..


Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing and no good thing ever dies.

March 5th, 2012

This is the day that forever changed our lives.  I should start by saying that I was 7 months pregnant.  On that Monday morning at 3am I started having contractions.  They were coming about every 15 minutes and the Doctor's has assured me that unless they were really strong, I was ok.  Well, by 7am I realized that I really hadn't been feeling Easton move all that much.  I called the doctor, they asked me to come in.  I have to say that the entire ride to the doctor's office I knew something wasnt right.  I hardly talked and focused on the contractions.  However, nothing could have prepared me for hearing the worst news ever.  The doctor used her doppler and searched for his heartbeat, one that had always been loud like a choo choo train as soon as they put the doppler on my belly.  She rushed us to ultrasound and it was there we saw that there was no heartbeat.  Everything went numb and at that point I was more like a robot.  Thank god for my husband.  He was a rock that I clung to the entire time. 

When I found out I had to deliver the baby, I was more than scared.  I did not plan on having a baby that day.  In my mind, I still had 2 more months to get used to the idea of delivering a baby.

Blessings:
You may find it a little crazy to hear me say we were blessed that day.  How can I possibly say that on the worst day of our lives??  Well, here are the blessings we counted, although, I know there are many more small ones that we just aren't aware of yet.  Normally, I would have went to the doctor's myself, as Nate is new to work and cannot take off at work.  That morning he was just coming off a 4-12 shift and was home to go with me.  I hate to think of what would happen if he hadn't been there.  Next, when they took us to labor and delivery, the bereavement nurse was just coming on her shift and would be there the entire time until 11pm that night.  She is skilled in handling situations like ours.  We were also blessed by someone that I will call my angel here on earth.  She is my best friend and also lost her son 10 years before.  I held her son when he was born.  He was beautiful and perfect just like Easton.  Without hesitating she was at my side and didn't leave until that evening. 

Our biggest blessing was Easton.  Our little boy is perfect.  He is the best thing that ever happened to us.  For 7 months I carried this lil guy in my belly, we had hopes and dreams for him.  We weren't prepared for him to be an Angel.  Even as I sit here today, I cannot tell you that I fully understand this.  I don't know that I ever will until I see him again.  I know that I will never be the same again.  Amazing that someone so small can leave such a huge imprint on your heart.  We held our baby, we kissed him and held his hand.  He looked like his dad so much, that it made my heart overflow with joy.  Only someone that has been through this can know the joy and the sorrow you feel at that point.

Every day we miss him, every day we heal a little bit.  We want Easton to know that he made us feel blessed and happy.  We would never want him to feel that he makes us sad.  Easton will always be remembered by his family and friends.  And one day we will all get to be with him.

2 Samuel 23
"I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."

Easton is in good company, I'm pretty sure his Great Grandparents are fighting over him.  And he is playing with Justin and Vinny.

 

To Easton

Waking up today was rough.  I miss you.  I woke up missing you.  Sometimes I feel like you are still in my belly kicking and jumping around like the "ninja monkey" I used to call you.  I believe you send me signs when I need them most.  Today, I read Brody's Blog.  Your Grandmother had a friend that recommended it to her.  For some reason I looked it up today and it made me feel less alone.  Less guilty that I couldn't carry you full term.  Everyone, even the doctors tell us there is nothing we could have done.  But, that offers little comfort for me.  I'm your mom.  I'm supposed to protect you from everything.  I'm supposed to be the one that gives you safety.  I feel I failed you. 

I'm not sure anyone can understand, unless they have gone through this.  It's like all the dreams and hopes I had for you, for our family, are haunting me.  Now these nice, beautiful spring days we are having remind me of the plans I had for us to sit on the deck and enjoy the weather.  We had a fire last night and I couldn't help but think of how I wanted to hold you in my arms right there.  Sometimes when I look at your dad, I feel so bad, because I wanted you to know him, what a great person he is and an awesome dad he would be to you.  He is what keeps me going when everything seems numb.  

I look back now and wish I would have embraced the morning sickness and the back pain.  How I wish I would have taken more time at work to sit and feel your kicks.  Every craving I had before is now something I cannot bare to eat or drink.  

I am doing my best to make you proud of me.  You were a blessing to me and your father and we will always be grateful for the time we got to know and hold you.  You are so perfect and beautiful.  I have never seen anything more perfect and peaceful in my life.  You are forever in my heart, mind and prayers.  Rest Peacefully My Angel Easton.