Just when I thought I couldn't miss you anymore, I find myself missing you more than I ever thought humanly possible. I try so hard to point out the positive of everything (seeing you, holding you, how perfect you are), but now I just miss you. Nothing makes that go away. It's only getting stronger.
So much reminds me of you, of the dreams I had for you. I had a hard time walking past the baby department in the store today. I forced myself to do it. I had to literally talk myself through it. How silly does that sound?? I wanted to be there buying clothes for you. I wanted to be there planning for you to come home with me. Then it hits me, you never got to come home. We left that Monday and that was the last time I'd have you here.
You Nana asked for your pictures the other day, so I made a little card with my favorite pictures of you. It reminded me how much I was looking forward to taking millions of pictures of you. I thought you would be so annoyed with me because I tend to take too many pictures.
No one will ever take your place, no one will ever fill this hole in my heart. I talk about you everyday. I think about you all the time. I miss you.. I miss you a million times over. I love you tons and tons.
I've come to the realization that this is US. This is our family. You and Daddy and Me. This wasn't the way we imagined it, but you will always be our son. We love you, baby E.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Stationery card
Blue Crisscross Birth Announcement
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Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Perception of Grief
I have been a little put off today by perception of my grief. It almost seems that people are awaiting me to breakdown and scream and cry. When I don't it's like they are surprised. I have my moments, days, where I push myself to move. I push myself to look for something positive. I cry, I scream inside, I would give anything to hold my son again. To kiss him and rock him. One day I know I will.
The way I explain it is, Think of the best thing that has ever happened in your life. Now, think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Put them in the same moment. That is where you will find me and my feelings. Yes my baby died. It was the worst day of my life. I had to give my baby to a nurse and know I'd never see him again.I had to plan my infant son's funeral. Pretty bad stuff... but, I also got to see my son. I got to kiss him and hold his hand and touch his feet. He looked like his dad. He had my fingers and toes. He is perfect in every way possible. He was the most incredible thing I've ever seen. There is a song that says, I saw God today. I saw God that day. He proved to me that miracles happen. I have never been more proud of anything in my life. Nate and I made him and he was perfect.
So there are 2 ways I can think of this. I can think of the horrible thing that happened or I can remember the beautiful baby boy I was blessed with. I'm choosing to remember my son. Someday I will see him again and we will be together for eternity. He is forever mine.
Dwelling on what went wrong will not bring my son back. Giving in to dark thoughts and anger will not change what happened. I have an angel baby. He's forever a part of me and Nate. This is our family. This is our story. We are proud of our family.
Yes, there are days I can barely think of anything else, I relive what happened. I try to figure out if there was something I could have done. I go out of my mind trying to understand it. Somedays it all seems too much to grasp. My grief tends to creep up on me. I will be doing so well and so positive and then bam it's there. Usually at night when I get some time to think. Also, I think it has to do with the fact that I would love to be holding my baby and rocking him to sleep right then.
Sleep tight my Angel, Mommy loves you.
The way I explain it is, Think of the best thing that has ever happened in your life. Now, think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you. Put them in the same moment. That is where you will find me and my feelings. Yes my baby died. It was the worst day of my life. I had to give my baby to a nurse and know I'd never see him again.I had to plan my infant son's funeral. Pretty bad stuff... but, I also got to see my son. I got to kiss him and hold his hand and touch his feet. He looked like his dad. He had my fingers and toes. He is perfect in every way possible. He was the most incredible thing I've ever seen. There is a song that says, I saw God today. I saw God that day. He proved to me that miracles happen. I have never been more proud of anything in my life. Nate and I made him and he was perfect.
So there are 2 ways I can think of this. I can think of the horrible thing that happened or I can remember the beautiful baby boy I was blessed with. I'm choosing to remember my son. Someday I will see him again and we will be together for eternity. He is forever mine.
Dwelling on what went wrong will not bring my son back. Giving in to dark thoughts and anger will not change what happened. I have an angel baby. He's forever a part of me and Nate. This is our family. This is our story. We are proud of our family.
Yes, there are days I can barely think of anything else, I relive what happened. I try to figure out if there was something I could have done. I go out of my mind trying to understand it. Somedays it all seems too much to grasp. My grief tends to creep up on me. I will be doing so well and so positive and then bam it's there. Usually at night when I get some time to think. Also, I think it has to do with the fact that I would love to be holding my baby and rocking him to sleep right then.
Sleep tight my Angel, Mommy loves you.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Finding Our New Normal
Now we are faced with the challenge of finding a new normal. You see, nothing is the same. Our life was on a path when we found out we were having a baby. We changed then. We started getting ready for this new adventure in our lives. There is no going back to the way we were before Easton and we aren't on the same path as we were when we found out we were having a baby. Nothing prepares you for this. We had planned on bringing him home, on being up for sleepless nights with a fussy baby and feedings. Changing diapers and learning how to breastfeed. Christenings and Babysitters. Not funerals and headstones. Planned on kissing him a million times over and whispering how much we love him. Not praying to god that his soul is resting and that he can hear us telling him we love him and praying to him.
So now we are here.. the parents of an Angel. An angel that mad us realize so many things in life. One that will remind me never to take for granted anything in my life. Easton is in our hearts forever. I've been fortunate to cross paths with a few people that share there stories with me. I've never been one to open up to strangers in that way. They are so inspirational, I'm not sure I can be one of these people. They are beautiful people and maybe some day I'll be strong enough to share like they do.
I pray for those that are going through this. I pray for me and my husband that we can heal.
I heard this today on the movie Shawshank Redemption and it's appropriate..
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing and no good thing ever dies.
So now we are here.. the parents of an Angel. An angel that mad us realize so many things in life. One that will remind me never to take for granted anything in my life. Easton is in our hearts forever. I've been fortunate to cross paths with a few people that share there stories with me. I've never been one to open up to strangers in that way. They are so inspirational, I'm not sure I can be one of these people. They are beautiful people and maybe some day I'll be strong enough to share like they do.
I pray for those that are going through this. I pray for me and my husband that we can heal.
I heard this today on the movie Shawshank Redemption and it's appropriate..
Hope is a good thing, maybe the best thing and no good thing ever dies.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
March 5th, 2012
This is the day that forever changed our lives. I should start by saying that I was 7 months pregnant. On that Monday morning at 3am I started having contractions. They were coming about every 15 minutes and the Doctor's has assured me that unless they were really strong, I was ok. Well, by 7am I realized that I really hadn't been feeling Easton move all that much. I called the doctor, they asked me to come in. I have to say that the entire ride to the doctor's office I knew something wasnt right. I hardly talked and focused on the contractions. However, nothing could have prepared me for hearing the worst news ever. The doctor used her doppler and searched for his heartbeat, one that had always been loud like a choo choo train as soon as they put the doppler on my belly. She rushed us to ultrasound and it was there we saw that there was no heartbeat. Everything went numb and at that point I was more like a robot. Thank god for my husband. He was a rock that I clung to the entire time.
When I found out I had to deliver the baby, I was more than scared. I did not plan on having a baby that day. In my mind, I still had 2 more months to get used to the idea of delivering a baby.
Blessings:
You may find it a little crazy to hear me say we were blessed that day. How can I possibly say that on the worst day of our lives?? Well, here are the blessings we counted, although, I know there are many more small ones that we just aren't aware of yet. Normally, I would have went to the doctor's myself, as Nate is new to work and cannot take off at work. That morning he was just coming off a 4-12 shift and was home to go with me. I hate to think of what would happen if he hadn't been there. Next, when they took us to labor and delivery, the bereavement nurse was just coming on her shift and would be there the entire time until 11pm that night. She is skilled in handling situations like ours. We were also blessed by someone that I will call my angel here on earth. She is my best friend and also lost her son 10 years before. I held her son when he was born. He was beautiful and perfect just like Easton. Without hesitating she was at my side and didn't leave until that evening.
Our biggest blessing was Easton. Our little boy is perfect. He is the best thing that ever happened to us. For 7 months I carried this lil guy in my belly, we had hopes and dreams for him. We weren't prepared for him to be an Angel. Even as I sit here today, I cannot tell you that I fully understand this. I don't know that I ever will until I see him again. I know that I will never be the same again. Amazing that someone so small can leave such a huge imprint on your heart. We held our baby, we kissed him and held his hand. He looked like his dad so much, that it made my heart overflow with joy. Only someone that has been through this can know the joy and the sorrow you feel at that point.
Every day we miss him, every day we heal a little bit. We want Easton to know that he made us feel blessed and happy. We would never want him to feel that he makes us sad. Easton will always be remembered by his family and friends. And one day we will all get to be with him.
2 Samuel 23
"I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."
Easton is in good company, I'm pretty sure his Great Grandparents are fighting over him. And he is playing with Justin and Vinny.
When I found out I had to deliver the baby, I was more than scared. I did not plan on having a baby that day. In my mind, I still had 2 more months to get used to the idea of delivering a baby.
Blessings:
You may find it a little crazy to hear me say we were blessed that day. How can I possibly say that on the worst day of our lives?? Well, here are the blessings we counted, although, I know there are many more small ones that we just aren't aware of yet. Normally, I would have went to the doctor's myself, as Nate is new to work and cannot take off at work. That morning he was just coming off a 4-12 shift and was home to go with me. I hate to think of what would happen if he hadn't been there. Next, when they took us to labor and delivery, the bereavement nurse was just coming on her shift and would be there the entire time until 11pm that night. She is skilled in handling situations like ours. We were also blessed by someone that I will call my angel here on earth. She is my best friend and also lost her son 10 years before. I held her son when he was born. He was beautiful and perfect just like Easton. Without hesitating she was at my side and didn't leave until that evening.
Our biggest blessing was Easton. Our little boy is perfect. He is the best thing that ever happened to us. For 7 months I carried this lil guy in my belly, we had hopes and dreams for him. We weren't prepared for him to be an Angel. Even as I sit here today, I cannot tell you that I fully understand this. I don't know that I ever will until I see him again. I know that I will never be the same again. Amazing that someone so small can leave such a huge imprint on your heart. We held our baby, we kissed him and held his hand. He looked like his dad so much, that it made my heart overflow with joy. Only someone that has been through this can know the joy and the sorrow you feel at that point.
Every day we miss him, every day we heal a little bit. We want Easton to know that he made us feel blessed and happy. We would never want him to feel that he makes us sad. Easton will always be remembered by his family and friends. And one day we will all get to be with him.
2 Samuel 23
"I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me."
Easton is in good company, I'm pretty sure his Great Grandparents are fighting over him. And he is playing with Justin and Vinny.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
To Easton
Waking up today was rough. I miss you. I woke up missing you. Sometimes I feel like you are still in my belly kicking and jumping around like the "ninja monkey" I used to call you. I believe you send me signs when I need them most. Today, I read Brody's Blog. Your Grandmother had a friend that recommended it to her. For some reason I looked it up today and it made me feel less alone. Less guilty that I couldn't carry you full term. Everyone, even the doctors tell us there is nothing we could have done. But, that offers little comfort for me. I'm your mom. I'm supposed to protect you from everything. I'm supposed to be the one that gives you safety. I feel I failed you.
I'm not sure anyone can understand, unless they have gone through this. It's like all the dreams and hopes I had for you, for our family, are haunting me. Now these nice, beautiful spring days we are having remind me of the plans I had for us to sit on the deck and enjoy the weather. We had a fire last night and I couldn't help but think of how I wanted to hold you in my arms right there. Sometimes when I look at your dad, I feel so bad, because I wanted you to know him, what a great person he is and an awesome dad he would be to you. He is what keeps me going when everything seems numb.
I look back now and wish I would have embraced the morning sickness and the back pain. How I wish I would have taken more time at work to sit and feel your kicks. Every craving I had before is now something I cannot bare to eat or drink.
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