We made it..

We made it.  We lived through my Due Date and Mother's Day.  There were sad moments.  My sister in law graduated on Easton's Due Date.  We were debating when we found out, if he would come early and be at her graduation or not.  I'm willing to bet he was there.  It was rough to go there, knowing my plans were to be holding him during the ceremony.  Taking pictures of his Aunt holding him in her graduation gown.  We gave her a gift, it was a silver Precious Moment's Boy Angel with a heart made of his birthstone.  She wore it with pride.  It amazes me how much my little guy is loved. 

We took flowers to the cemetery, then planted a tree for him, on Mother's Day, in our yard. Mother's Day started out rocky, but got better.  As my friends text their love and thoughts to me and Nate and my Mom bought me flowers and I got Mother's Day cards, it was like they got it.  They understood that I'm a mom. 

I had prayed and asked Easton to show us he was with us on the weekend.  That I needed a sign to get through the weekend.  It came on Sunday.  My Mother/Father In Law were heading to the beach.  They were on the highway and they passed a tour bus with a huge sign on the side Easton Tours.  She said as they would speed up and get around it, it would catch up to them.  She finally took a picture with her phone and sent it to us.  Then they stopped for lunch in a town they have always stopped in, she never noticed the name before, but it was called Easton.  I'd say my little guy did a good job! 

I was upset that my little boy wouldn't be with me for my first Mother's Day, but he certainly was.  Surrounding us with the love of our family and friends. 

Dreams

The last few days I've been waking up and had to double check my life.  In my dream I had a baby and he was here with me.  The first dream he was just a baby in his crib and I had to go check on him.  I woke up and felt like I needed to go to his room.  But, his room isn't even finished, there is no drywall, just studs, there is a pile of paneling on the floor.  The room is empty, just like my arms.  In many ways, I want to leave it that way.  Last night I had a dream that Easton was a boy about 7 years old, playing in his room.  He smiled at me and kept playing.  Waking up like this has its good and very bad points.  I am so happy that he is here, then when I realize that it was a dream, my heart breaks.  I'm a mess all day.  Today was my 2nd day back to work.  This dream, didn't make my life easy today.  On top of that, it's Gram's birthday. No one said this life would be easy.  My Gram taught me so much about life and who I am today.  I never knew she would continue to teach me.  My Gram and Pap were married 25 short years whenever he passed away.  This wasn't just any old marriage, these two are what people aspire to be, or at least they should 

If you would ask my Gram about Pap, her eyes would light up, she would smile.  And she would go on and on about him.  She wouldn't get sad.  I know she missed that man more than anything in this world.  But, he made her smile.  She still lived even after losing the love of her life.  How does anyone do that.  Well, now I'm figuring that out.  Now, I'm here, trying to figure out how life continues without him here on Earth.  It's inevitable, I know.  You either keep moving or get trampled on.  It's not like I can tell everyone to stop living because I'm sad.  Even if I could, what good would that do?  So, I'm trying to get to that point where, I smile.  When I think of my baby boy, I smile. 

God has blessed me with knowing my Gram.  They don't make women like her anymore, and I am trying my best to live up to her.  God has blessed me with an incredible husband, which, I talk about with a bright smile.  Really, that only explanation for how we are together, is it's God's Plan.  I have never known someone so amazing.  My soul just feels right with him.  That's how I know that God not only had a plan for us, but for Easton.  Easton was made out of 100% Love.  Something made of that much love is bound for great things.  <3

Good Night My Angel..

Due Date

The ever awaited, Due Date.  I couldn't wait to get one.  For more than 10 years I've wanted one. I wanted to share it with everyone.  Some part of me thought, if they give me a Due Date, then that meant it was all going to be ok.  If I have a Due Date, then no one can deny me dream of having a baby.  And, I think part of me knew that it would never happen the way it happens for most women.  At least the ones you hear about.

May 12th was to be the most glorious day of my life.  Now, if i had a fast forward button, I'm pretty sure I'd use it.  I know the day will come and go.  I know the grief will be rough and raw once again. In a way, I welcome it.  It means he meant something.  In another way, I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by.  I want time to stop.  Something has happened these past few days, as I let the anger and grief consume me.  It feels like I'm closer to him then ever.  I can feel him in my soul.  How one little person can have this effect over so many people, clearly shows the love he has brought out in everyone.  I know it sounds silly, but, I think even the dogs loved him.  Or just the fact that I talked about his due date to them and told them that they were getting a new best friend.  These are the things that make me his mom.  No one understands, how I feel.  How could they?  They didn't have his best friends picked out already, didn't dream of his eyes or what his cry would sound like.  How could anyone know that I sang to him in the car so he would get used to my voice.  How would they know that when I held my belly, it wasn't so much that it hurt, it was because I felt like I was hugging him.  When I'd rock while laying down, it was because I thought he might like it.  Maybe somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.

Easton is all around me.  I feel his presence everywhere.  I talk to him, I pray to him.  I say this alot I guess, but I see him in Nate's face so much.  It makes my heart not feel so empty whenever I look at his pictures and look at Nate.  This hole in my heart, feels like someone blew it open with a shotgun.  It feels like only the parts that need to keep me functioning are there, the rest is gone.  I'm hoping in time, my heart will grow, I'm hoping that this new world I live in will be kind to me.  All I really want is to have peace.  Wow, did I take that for granted before.

So, Baby E, your due date will be here before we know it.  The day I was to bring you home.  We are going to do our best to celebrate your life.  To celebrate the meaning of you and all you have done for us.  Mother's Day is the following day and some people may not see me as a mom.  I guess the way I'm looking at it is, I had the hardest job a mom could ever do.  I have to live every day, not being able to hold or kiss my son.  I had to let him go, knowing I'd never get to see him again.  We will celebrate the fact that the love between Me and You, a mother and her son, can never be replaced and will live on forever.

He's not just anyone, He's My Son...