The ever awaited, Due Date. I couldn't wait to get one. For more than 10 years I've wanted one. I wanted to share it with everyone. Some part of me thought, if they give me a Due Date, then that meant it was all going to be ok. If I have a Due Date, then no one can deny me dream of having a baby. And, I think part of me knew that it would never happen the way it happens for most women. At least the ones you hear about.
May 12th was to be the most glorious day of my life. Now, if i had a fast forward button, I'm pretty sure I'd use it. I know the day will come and go. I know the grief will be rough and raw once again. In a way, I welcome it. It means he meant something. In another way, I want to curl up in a ball and let the world pass me by. I want time to stop. Something has happened these past few days, as I let the anger and grief consume me. It feels like I'm closer to him then ever. I can feel him in my soul. How one little person can have this effect over so many people, clearly shows the love he has brought out in everyone. I know it sounds silly, but, I think even the dogs loved him. Or just the fact that I talked about his due date to them and told them that they were getting a new best friend. These are the things that make me his mom. No one understands, how I feel. How could they? They didn't have his best friends picked out already, didn't dream of his eyes or what his cry would sound like. How could anyone know that I sang to him in the car so he would get used to my voice. How would they know that when I held my belly, it wasn't so much that it hurt, it was because I felt like I was hugging him. When I'd rock while laying down, it was because I thought he might like it. Maybe somewhere deep down, I knew I wouldn't be able to do that.
Easton is all around me. I feel his presence everywhere. I talk to him, I pray to him. I say this alot I guess, but I see him in Nate's face so much. It makes my heart not feel so empty whenever I look at his pictures and look at Nate. This hole in my heart, feels like someone blew it open with a shotgun. It feels like only the parts that need to keep me functioning are there, the rest is gone. I'm hoping in time, my heart will grow, I'm hoping that this new world I live in will be kind to me. All I really want is to have peace. Wow, did I take that for granted before.
So, Baby E, your due date will be here before we know it. The day I was to bring you home. We are going to do our best to celebrate your life. To celebrate the meaning of you and all you have done for us. Mother's Day is the following day and some people may not see me as a mom. I guess the way I'm looking at it is, I had the hardest job a mom could ever do. I have to live every day, not being able to hold or kiss my son. I had to let him go, knowing I'd never get to see him again. We will celebrate the fact that the love between Me and You, a mother and her son, can never be replaced and will live on forever.
He's not just anyone, He's My Son...
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so sad. I am dreading Jake's due date... he was supposed to be here by June 3rd. I have had lots of time to think of how his due date will go,and how I will feel. It's very hard for me to think it's only two weeks away. I hope today has been semi kind to you. I'm so glad you have pictures of your sweet Easton to look at and that you find comfort in your husband's face. :) You're so very sweet for doing all you did for your sweet baby boy. You will always be his mother. There is a really sweet poem that I love about being mother even though your baby isn't with you... I have it on my blog. It made me cry, but it's something I think all parents of angels should read. Happy Mother's Day a little early!
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