3 months ago today, I still had dreams of bringing my baby home. 3 months ago, I was worrying about what to wear to my baby shower, worried that the room wouldn't be done in time. 3 months ago tomorrow, I had those dreams taken from me. I've read other mom's blogs, 3 month angelversary is something that, up until now, I didn't understand. I read their blogs, I saw how upsetting it was. All the while, thinking, I'm ok. I mean 3 months is just a period of time, it has no major significance. I survived Mother's Day, My Due Date, the funeral, how could 3 months be any worse? Well, I think I figured it out. Might have been this past weekend which was full of reminders of him. Might have been the person that just came back to work and asked how my baby was doing (guess he didnt get that memo) or the baby that I saw wearing an outfit that was the same as someone bought for Easton, it could be everything together. But, last night, I was sad, I had dreams of him all night. Today, it was like someone hit me with a knock out punch. I couldn't focus, everything was a blur and I just wanted to sit and cry and be anywhere but where I was.
Today, was when it sunk in. I'm not bringing a baby home. See you would think in 3 months time I would have figured this out. Hell, you'd think I could have figured it out when I made that horrible trip home without him. I'm no doctor, but, I'm guessing my hormones are back to normal now. I'm also guessing I was still in shock, and why wouldn't I be? I also guess that even if your mind knows something, the rest of your body (the part that changed cause you were pregnant), takes a little longer to figure it out. 3 months is not a-lot of time when it comes to losing your baby, your dream, the love of your life. So now, the hormones aren't raging, the shock is wearing off and here I am. The dust is settling so to speak. This is me and I have no baby. This nightmare, really isn't a nightmare. This is life as we know it. This is where I have to rebuild from.
How do I get me back?? I'm the girl that let things slide. I'm the girl that was easy going and said whatever, way too much. I'm the girl that was happy with just about everything, I didn't like to draw attention to myself. I kept things light and fun. Well, how do you do "light and fun" after you bury your child? How do you not feel guilty for laughing? How do I let others get upset over the smallest insignificant things and make it important? There are millions of things changing in my world. Things my body and mind are just catching up to. All I can do is rely on faith. What choice do I have? Besides, if God is taking care of my son, don't I owe it to him, to have a little faith?
3 months it doesn't seem like 3 months, it feels like an eternity since I last held my son. It feels like an eternity since I last held his hand, felt his kicks, sang to him.. So, I sit here, holding this little monkey that he and I both have, praying he knows how much he's loved and picking myself back up and trying again tomorrow. One minute at a time.
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