In a haze

It seems every time my husband's work shift is 4pm - midnight, my mind gets the best of me.  Thank goodness its only once a month, I don't know if I could handle anymore than that.  I have my moments during any day that the heartache is still raw and painful.  But, knowing he is here to center me is sort of my lifeline. 

Today a new employee at my office and I were talking about weight loss, she mentioned it got harder after she got older and after she had her children.  I am a sharer, I usually don't hold anything back when talking about myself, but, today I did.  I was going to say that I can't seem to lose the last 15 lbs of baby weight, but then stopped.  I realized I would get the question, what did I have or worse a "congratulations", I wasn't ready to explain that my son did not make it.  The last time I had to say that to someone, I left work early and stayed in bed the rest of the day.  I almost felt guilty not sharing about my son.  I remember 2 weeks after the funeral, I went to get my hair done, to try and make me feel better, at least get rid of my roots that were showing.  I went to a new girl and she started asking me how long I was married and if we had any kids, I told her we did not and she kept asking if we planned on having them.  I felt so guilty for not saying I have a son, but it's just easier than re visiting the pain.  Nate got a tattoo with Easton's name on it last week, his father's day present, we went to dinner and the waitress asked who Easton was, we both froze, then finally I said he's our son.  I think the waitress caught the idea and didnt ask more.  But, I hate that it's so hard.  I love to talk about him.  I love to remember him, but sharing with others is so hard sometimes.  The pity looks from everyone that knew have subsided.  I think part of the reason I don't share is because I don't want to see that again.  The other reason is, I don't want to break down and cry in front of a stranger.  That is how I gauge what I tell people now; do I mind crying in front of this person? 

I titled this "In a haze" because I am.  We've decided to try for a baby again.  (I hate the word again or another.. working on figuring out a better term)  See when Nate is home, he grounds me, keeps me centered.  When he's not, my mind goes all haywire. I worry about what if i am pregnant??  Am I doing everything to ensure my baby will be ok?  What will I do?  When will all these doctor appointments start?  How will I focus on the positive?  How will our family react?  Will they worry constantly?  I know I worried when my best friend was pregnant with her rainbow baby.  Her rainbow baby was just fine.  But I know I jumped every time that damn phone rang.  Will I put our friends and family through that?  How do I assure them that they need not worry, when I am overly worried?

A few weeks after we lost Easton, I had lunch with a friend.  Her son died at 9 months of SIDS.  She said that she envisions me with a bunch of children around me and that she knows it will happen.  I keep trying to focus on that. She has 3 beautiful girls and they all know about their big brother.  I'm so excited to talk to Easton's little brother or sister about him.  I feel like he'll be with them forever.  I remember when Nate took me to his sister's grave for the first time.  We had been dating a few months and he said he would stop up there from time to time.  I was touched that he remembered her and knew her story and that she meant so much to him.  I pray that we can share Easton's memory and he will mean that much to his brother or sister.

I cannot wait to share the memory of my little man.. my angel.