To Easton

Waking up today was rough.  I miss you.  I woke up missing you.  Sometimes I feel like you are still in my belly kicking and jumping around like the "ninja monkey" I used to call you.  I believe you send me signs when I need them most.  Today, I read Brody's Blog.  Your Grandmother had a friend that recommended it to her.  For some reason I looked it up today and it made me feel less alone.  Less guilty that I couldn't carry you full term.  Everyone, even the doctors tell us there is nothing we could have done.  But, that offers little comfort for me.  I'm your mom.  I'm supposed to protect you from everything.  I'm supposed to be the one that gives you safety.  I feel I failed you. 

I'm not sure anyone can understand, unless they have gone through this.  It's like all the dreams and hopes I had for you, for our family, are haunting me.  Now these nice, beautiful spring days we are having remind me of the plans I had for us to sit on the deck and enjoy the weather.  We had a fire last night and I couldn't help but think of how I wanted to hold you in my arms right there.  Sometimes when I look at your dad, I feel so bad, because I wanted you to know him, what a great person he is and an awesome dad he would be to you.  He is what keeps me going when everything seems numb.  

I look back now and wish I would have embraced the morning sickness and the back pain.  How I wish I would have taken more time at work to sit and feel your kicks.  Every craving I had before is now something I cannot bare to eat or drink.  

I am doing my best to make you proud of me.  You were a blessing to me and your father and we will always be grateful for the time we got to know and hold you.  You are so perfect and beautiful.  I have never seen anything more perfect and peaceful in my life.  You are forever in my heart, mind and prayers.  Rest Peacefully My Angel Easton.