Perception of Grief

I have been a little put off today by perception of my grief.  It almost seems that people are awaiting me to breakdown and scream and cry.  When I don't it's like they are surprised.  I have my moments, days, where I push myself to move.  I push myself to look for something positive.  I cry, I scream inside, I would give anything to hold my son again.  To kiss him and rock him.  One day I know I will. 

The way I explain it is, Think of the best thing that has ever happened in your life.  Now, think of the worst thing that has ever happened to you.  Put them in the same moment.  That is where you will find me and my feelings.  Yes my baby died.  It was the worst day of my life.  I had to give my baby to a nurse and know I'd never see him again.I had to plan my infant son's funeral.  Pretty bad stuff...  but, I also got to see my son.  I got to kiss him and hold his hand and touch his feet.  He looked like his dad.  He had my fingers and toes.  He is perfect in every way possible.  He was the most incredible thing I've ever seen.  There is a song that says, I saw God today.  I saw God that day.  He proved to me that miracles happen.  I have never been more proud of anything in my life.  Nate and I made him and he was perfect. 

So there are 2 ways I can think of this.  I can think of the horrible thing that happened or I can remember the beautiful baby boy I was blessed with.  I'm choosing to remember my son.  Someday I will see him again and we will be together for eternity.  He is forever mine. 

Dwelling on what went wrong will not bring my son back.  Giving in to dark thoughts and anger will not change what happened.  I have an angel baby.  He's forever a part of me and Nate.  This is our family.  This is our story.  We are proud of our family. 

Yes, there are days I can barely think of anything else, I relive what happened.  I try to figure out if there was something I could have done.  I go out of my mind trying to understand it.  Somedays it all seems too much to grasp.  My grief tends to creep up on me.  I will be doing so well and so positive and then bam it's there.  Usually at night when I get some time to think.  Also, I think it has to do with the fact that I would love to be holding my baby and rocking him to sleep right then. 

Sleep tight my Angel, Mommy loves you.