Maybe because I know what it's like to want a baby for so long and not have your prayers answered. Then when they are finally answered, the pain of miscarriage is hard. I believe it was hard because I never got to see my baby then. I had the excitement of being pregnant and just as soon as I found out, days later it was stripped from me. I had a hard time going in public. It wasn't that I thought people were looking at me (like I feel now), people didn't know the horrible thing that happened then. It was that I didn't want to see all those happy people that were pregnant and the ones that had infants in strollers. I went to the mall one day, when I thought I was ok and dealing with things better. It was a bad idea. It was like every stroller or pregnant person I saw was a knife to my heart. It hurt so bad to see people living my dream. We had unexplained infertility. Which I believe the stress factor of my relationship and my job had a lot to do with it. Ultimately, it drove me and my then husband, apart. I couldn't move past the pain and he was ready to give up on the dream.
My life now is better than I ever imagined. God blessed me with an incredible man. This is not how we imagined life would be. We didn't know we would have an angel for a son. If you would have told me that I would survive losing my baby, prior to everything that has happened, I would have told you that you were crazy. I can go in public right now. Do I see an infant and get a little sad.. yea sure, I'd be crazy not to. But, it's not my baby. It's not Easton. I feel sad that I can't hold my son the way the person is holding their baby. I get sad that I won't carry him around in a carseat or push him in the awesome jogging stroller we picked for him. But, it doesn't bother me like it did when I lost my first baby. Pregnant people don't bother me that much either. It bothers me when I think of our friends that were due at the same time we were. (We have 12 friends due within a month of us) I haven't been able to really see them. I feel like it would upset me because I would think about myself and how I'm supposed to still be pregnant. I'm not sure how I will do around their babies. I'm sure it won't be easy watching them grow, just because I'll always think of what my son would look like or be doing if he were here.
For the most part, I'm coping as well as can be expected. I have my bad days and I have my bad moments. When those moments creep up on me, I think of Easton. How beautiful he was. I think about how he used to kick like crazy after the slushies I craved. God, how I miss him. Seeing him and holding him, this little person we created, was the best moment of my life. The other thing helping me cope is my husband. For someone to care so much about me, makes me speechless. For someone that has such a problem communicating, he certainly has a way of making me talk about my feelings. He sits and listens as I ramble about my feelings. The first 2 weeks, I just said whatever feelings I was having. I found out he was feeling the same way. And now, a month later, he's still asking me how I feel. I truly believe that his support has made me see the good in this whole bad dream. I have never had anyone that supported me like he does. I'm truly blessed with this great man. And for that reason, I have tried to not let myself go to the dark place I was in whenever I had my miscarriage.
I miss my son. I miss carrying him. I miss feeling him. I find myself wishing for one more day. I pray the Good Lord will bless us with a child. One that we can share Easton with. My heart has this hole in it. I never knew anything could hurt this much. It's a constant void. I'm told that it will never go away, in a strange way, it's ok. Something inside me feels like if I still feel the pain, he's still with me. If I stop hurting, it would mean that I lost the connection to him. The hurt isn't always bad. I know it sounds depressing to think that my hurting is my connection with my son. Bittersweet is how I would describe it. The day he was born was bittersweet. And when I think of him (which is all the time) it's bittersweet. I remember how beautiful he was and it makes my heart overflow with joy, then I miss him and it hurts. Bittersweet.
I believe my husband and my son are helping me to see the best in things. Not just with what we have been through but with a new outlook on life. They are my family and I'm so proud of them.
I love you Easton and his Daddy, more than you will ever know!
Love,
Easton's Mommy
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